My Version of a Sorta Fairytale
So……I have started, stopped, rewrote…trashed and started over so many times now I've stopped counting. The writer in me has a need to make this all "storybook" like but that's not always real is it? So I have decided to just write. I'm not going to read back through what I write. (though I HAVE to write in word first and try to catch all my typos) I'm just going to be raw and lay it all out there. This is suppose to help me process, help me grow. It's suppose to be cathartic much like my journals in my younger years were. I never would have worked through being a teenager and growing into myself without those journals. Just to get it out of the space in my head and into the cosmos. So…here we go. This is my journey.
I have always been able to look at women and see them as attractive, I mean how could I not, they are all curves and softness and good smells. I had never however dreamed of kissing them and touching them and loving them. Yes I have my celebrity girl crushes, Tori Amos and Jessica Biel, but they were never "real", ya know. I have only recently, in discussions with my husband, come to the realization that I also had girls through my younger years that I had feelings for. I don't know if it was my strong Christian upbringing that stopped me from seeing those feelings as more then friendship, or if I was just that naive to it. What I do know is that I have had my heart broken deeper by some of the girls/women in my life then a man has ever hurt me. This is why over the last 20 so years of my life I have pretty much avoided having really close female friends with a few exceptions that I'll hit on later.
I guess I should start with a little back ground on me and my life before Giggles entered the picture. I had a very open relationship with my boyfriend all through high school; I'll call him GnR. I was saving myself for marriage and he well he was a horndog, so we agreed there was no reason for him to be denied the things he wanted so long as it was always understood I was his girlfriend. I was able to date other guys so long as they always knew GnR was my boyfriend and he came first. We talked about marriage and kids and living in the mountains. It was all laid out in front of us.
When I was 19 I lost my virginity to someone who thought by no I really meant yes. He was older and one of my bosses at the store I worked at, I had a crush on him and he asked me out on a date. I took a lot of responsibility, guilt, and shame for what happened on myself. I didn't tell GnR what happened, I couldn't. I was saving myself all those years for him and then someone took that "gift" away from him. So I did the thing that would ultimately be our undoing…I seduced him, told him I was tired of waiting and I wanted him. He was more then willing and made me promise this wouldn't change our agreement. We could still date people but I was still his. It was a tearful event because I knew I was being dishonest. Something that should have been beautiful was ugly.
I started instantly putting distance between us. I got a boyfriend and I got pregnant and then I broke up with GnR telling him he couldn't give me the commitment I needed but "Babydaddy" could. He was heart broken, he didn't say it but I could see it on his face. We didn't talk for almost 2 year, Babydaddy came and Babydaddy went. GnR popped back up married to an older woman (8 year difference if I remember correctly) with child almost a year old. He was miserable in his marriage and wanted my friendship I obliged until he told me he still loved me. He had known I had not stayed with Babydaddy and his biggest regret was not coming to me then and making me his. I backed away then, the guilt from before still weighing heavy on my heart.
Ok why I broke into all of that I'm not sure so ok. I guess it was because I just realized as a teenager I was very much living a polyamory lifestyle without even knowing that's what it was. Either way that was the complete and total end of me and GnR and I was pretty sure I'd never find someone I could love as much as I loved him. A year later enter Nails…who quite literally swept me off my feet. No really, I was walking up these steps at a bar and he dipped me backwards and planted the most deliciously sexy kiss on me. I was living with him a week later, pregnant 3 months later, married a year after that. We have been together ever since. Our marriage has not been without it's bumps, all marriages have them but we survived. We always do. He is my best friend and my lover.
[To be continued]