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Old 02-11-2013, 06:42 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I wondered if maybe your relationship with C causes some of the distance from your husband? I think I'd find it very difficult to cope with being the 'room mate' while my partner was having lots of fun and good sex with somebody else. I suspect I'd feel resentful, hurt and angry and that those feelings would result in distance.
While I get what you're saying, we have to remember that her husband started being distant long before C came into the picture.

Whatever's broken in a marriage is broken inside the marriage, not because of something outside.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Even our therapist said I was doing all the the right things, showing love, and yet, it didn't work in making him feel loved.
I slipped into your husband's shoes briefly, though not to that extent, a few months back. My husband works out of town and I was feeling us growing distant due to the lack of time together. I told him I wanted to reconnect. He asked how I wanted to do that, so I came up with a short list of little things he could do to make me feel more connected. Like with your husband, they didn't work.

Love isn't about the things you do. Sure, loving someone will make you more likely to do nice things for them. But doing nice things for someone doesn't mean you love them.

Eventually, I had to admit that part of what was required was for me to change my attitude and perception. I had to acknowledge that he wouldn't be working on the road, putting me through school, if he didn't love me. All of this came to a head during one really tear-filled conversation. We both admitted that we'd been getting spiteful. I'd been threatening that the distance was eventually going to break up our marriage if we couldn't connect. His internal reaction to that was to pull away, so that when this so-called-inevitability happened, it wouldn't rip him apart. I felt him pull away, so I pulled away, and so began a downward spiral.

Fortunately, we caught it in time. That conversation pretty much saved our marriage. We both admitted what we'd been doing and how it unconsciously was damaging our marriage, and we both made a pact to stop being so petty and to give one another the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not going to say it's always perfect now. That would be silly. But things have been so much better since that day. When we have "off" days, we acknowledge them as such. We both make an effort to listen to what the other has to say. In essence, we both re-committed to our marriage, and it's made a huge difference.

Note: the crux is "both." Neither one of us could have fixed it alone. It takes two to tango. We had to work together as a team, and before that we both had to acknowledge our individual roles in the problem.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-11-2013 at 06:44 PM.
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