It's been awhile since I updated. Nothing major going on, but lots of little things that cause little shifts and things to think about.
C is dating... he's been seeing a woman for a couple of months now. She is mono, and single, and wants to be mono with him. He says he's not in love, that he likes hanging out with her, but that he would not give me up for her because he loves me and wants to be with me. We had a couple of amazing date-weekends with great connection, lovely talks, togetherness and great sex. I have no doubts about his feelings for me and no reason to doubt him. Yet. Yet! She's in his city (I'm 2 hours away), he can see her every day, she wants him, she's available. She said she doesn't want to have sex with him as long as he's also sleeping with me. Is it weird that that is making me nervous...
I'm going through these cycles where I get upset and anxious about this relationship he has with her and where it's going. And then he reassures me and I am reassured. But its getting a little exhausting. If only I could be more zen about it, letting him be, letting him explore this..
I had a good talk with Ren yesterday and I was very mature about it and said ' well if C want to break up with me and be with her so be it'... but when I woke up this morning I was having quite the panic attack (I think he was with her last night) and not feeling so mature at all. Ugh. How DOES one get to that point of compersion where you can actually let the other person be free... without fear of abandonment?
In other news, I'm seeing BGuy (formerly known as CuteBiGuy) tonight. We've been emailing the last few months. I sort of left it up to him, because i had said I wasn't sure if I wanted to add another sexual partner to my life, and I thought that if the sex was mandatory for him he could just decide to not contact me again. But he staid in touch, writing me these beautiful, witty, funny and clever emails every now and then, always so respectful, saying that he would like to see me and talk to me without any expectations about where it would go (and at the same time, making no secret of the fact that he is attracted to me). I don't know, I'm a little nervous.. looking forward to seeing him again, but not sure how to broach the subject about how far I want to go. I could see us kissing or making out but def no PIV sex... or even getting naked.. but it's not something you say before you make a first move right? Oh boy I do tend to make my own life pretty complicated....
early forties, straight.