It's been a rough few days.
On Friday, Gia and Eric had a party at their place, just a little movie watching thing. I gave them both a lift to their place from the city, then hung out with them as we prepped for the gathering.
As we chatted, Eric mentioned how surprised and pleased he was that he's been dating Helen for four months so far and that everything's been going very well -- better, he noted, than with some people he knows who are only with one person. We'd been talking about our other partners all night and I'd been just fine, but somehow that particular comment hit me badly.
I was vaguely offended that he seemed to be implying that the expectation should be that poly will go poorly. I was just plain jealous that he did, in fact, consider himself to be dating her. She's his girlfriend. You know, the thing he didn't want when I'd checked in on the subject a couple of years ago. And I was profoundly annoyed at myself for being hurt by something he'd said years ago when I know that 1) things change, 2) I never *really* even asked directly if he'd like to try that with me, 3) I haven't even been available to date him myself, and, most of all, 4) if it wasn't right with me it wasn't right and that's OK.
The offense, jealousy, and annoyance blended together into a sort of sullen, sulky mindset that I did NOT want to be in but wasn't sure how to escape. Bleh bleh bleh. In hindsight, it would have been best to take a walk around the block to re-center. Instead, I did my best to ignore it. As the night went on I felt off, thrown, like I just couldn't do anything right -- even my attempts at simple cocktails came out gross, as if in reflection of my disordered thoughts.
Both Helen and Dexter came to the party, along with several of our other friends. I kept a bit more to myself than I normally would, until a drink or two loosened and relaxed me... a little too much, as it turns out. At one point, I was sitting on the floor, leaning against Helen's legs -- she was seated on the couch behind me. I honestly forget how this happened, but she ended up punching my shoulder. I laughed, said I liked it (I did), said she should do it harder. She obliged, and we went through several rounds of her hitting me harder and me exhorting her to do it even harder.
I... might have gone a little over the top and yelled at her, in my enthusiasm, about how she ought to go even harder. She stopped. I suddenly realized how pushy and maybe even creepy I was being. I was aghast at myself. Gia swooped in and reassured Helen that she hadn't done anything wrong, that it was cool to stop. I hastened to agree, and to apologize, profusely. Helen is a nervous person by nature, and I couldn't believe that I'd made her uncomfortable in such a selfish way, and that I'd let myself look like such an ass in front of Gia. Ugh. No way to take it back, though.
I withdrew even more... not so much so that it would've necessarily been obvious to anyone that I was upset, but clearly different from my normally gregarious self. I didn't know what else to do. I kept catching myself thinking that Gia was happier to see Dexter, more interested in him, than she'd been with me, for no good reason. I was just a mess, mentally.
Near the end of the night, I rested my head on Eric's lap for a bit and he ruffled my hair. It was nice, but I barely had it in me to enjoy it. I laid on the couch, and Gia sat on top of me, something we'd discussed before and that I had been very enthused about. It was nice, but, again, distraction kept me from savoring it fully. At the end of the night, with most of the other guests gone, she and I kissed goodnight. She said that it seemed like I'd been upset and I acknowledged that I had but that I was feeling better (sort of a lie?).
Most of the time I feel like an adult, but sometimes I feel like a teenager again. That night was one of those times.
The next day I was just kicking myself mentally all day long for how I'd acted with Helen. I talked to a couple of other friends who'd been at the party and they said they honestly thought it hadn't been that big of a deal, and that helped me finally calm down about it. I realized that maybe part of why I took it so hard was that I felt rejected in my kink -- like, hurt by the fact that she was freaked out by me liking what she was doing. So, yeah, I maybe should have been more sensitive and chill towards her, but I probably over-focused on that aspect of it in the midst of my embarrassment and sense of rejection and the malaise of all the other stuff I was feeling. Idek. Mostly over it now -- and definitely feeling 1,000% more chill and normal about the fact of my lovers having other lovers -- but I'll probably still reach out to apologize to her, just to see what she says.
In other news, Davis and I sort of mostly broke up yesterday. More on that when I have more time to write.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.