Another update about my mono/poly marriage.
Things are pretty stable right now, for a change. I haven't had a trip with C since mid-December, but we have one planned for next weekend. Between times we have had two or three short visits when he has passed through town, and we are texting, chatting and phoning very frequently, but I try to be discreet about it. I miss him quite a lot. The frequent contact makes me feel very connected to him, and I revel in having someone who wants to know what I am doing, thinking and feeling. He's ever more madly in love with me. It's painful not being together.
It's also painful not being able to find this kind of closeness with my husband. I recognize that NRE is not something to expect at this stage in our marriage, but I am struggling just to connect. I try to come up with things to say when I'm in his presence, but can't seem to hold his interest, and half the time when he says something in my presence, I can't make sense of it and find out that he was just talking to himself.
He's been waiting patiently for me to come around to wanting sex with him again, but I don't know how to get there. Once in a while I just offer it anyway in hopes it will help the situation, but I can't relax and feel anything. The only satisfaction I get is from knowing I've made him feel good. I have, at many times in my life, been a highly sexual person with an insatiable appetite for it, and in fact all my times with C (when we have the chance) involve lots of sexual adventure and multiple orgasms for me, but I can't seem to access that side of myself with my husband any more. Either I'm afraid he doesn't really approve of my sexual self, or I resent that he doesn't want me having PIV sex with C, or we just don't have a sexual dynamic to our interactions... I don't know what. He is waiting for me to fix the problem by myself, but he also let me know that he's ok if we leave the sex out for as long as it takes. I think that could spell the end of our marriage over time.
What we have now is a friendly marriage, in which he works very hard for me, treats me with kindness and devotion, and wants to do what he can to make things work. As roommates we do quite well. The rest of the word sees us as a very happy couple. Honestly I think my husband is pretty content. For me, there is an enormous loneliness to it. The marriage counselor has urged me not to take it personally that my husband is not the kind of person who feels compelled to talk about his thoughts or share about his day, but without that I don't feel close to him.
This is where we are now. I guess it could go on like this indefinitely, but I wish there was more. More connection with my husband, and more time with C.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs