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Old 02-10-2013, 02:25 AM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Today the Pidge and I had another long, hard talk. I'm not sure there have ever been two people more awkward and floundery when it comes to conversations about feelings and perceptions.
We talked about events from 2010, and it was horrifying to realize that one event we both remember, we saw completely differently at the time, and have seen differently every since. Something I said in frustration some months later
has been hanging over her head like an ominous threat since then. She has been severely curtailing normal human interactions in order to try to reassure me, while I am Captain Oblivious. The list of misperceptions seems endless, and painfully self-destructive, and just so unnecessary for two reasonably intelligent adults.
She thinks she is messing things up, I think she's coping as well with her illness as any person could. She thinks my saying that if our relationship ended, we would still be friends means I want to break up. I think it means I don't want her out of my life. She thinks she's the problem, I think the problem is she never wants to tell me when I've got my head so far up my ass I can see my tonsils.

She is crying so hard she can barely speak, I am cold as ice the whole time. Finally, she just says "If you are in love with me, and want this relationship, why can't you just SAY SO? Sometimes people need to hear the words! All you ever do is ask me how *I* feel, then stop speaking at all." Yeeeech. I'm just an ass. Here, let me kick this puppy, pluck the wings off some butterflies, and pee in a blind man's coffee....then I can finish this blog entry.

Bottom line...When I feel a relationship is in jeopardy, and the outcome is out of my control, I will shut my feelings down. Hard, cold, dead. As I told her, I would rather kill something myself of my own free will than have it taken away from me against my wishes. I will pull my own heart out of my chest and throw it away before I'll let someone else break it again. Pidge is not that way. She is a much warmer, much kinder person than I am. And yet, for a year and a half I have been by her side, caring for her, keeping her alive, and that's not actually an exaggeration. I have demonstrated my love and my committment to her in tangible ways. For whatever twisted reason, I just can't actually speak it in words.

How does this relate to poly relationships? Well, if you could have seen the fear and sadness in her eyes when she asked me if I would be able to open up to a man the way I have never opened up to her again since that steaming pile of bullshit happened in'd understand.
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