I am sorry you are going through this and that you hurt.
I apologize in advance if this is hard to hear. I did read all your post. But bottom line?
You seem to want to play like a Jedi player most of the time... but you have a Muppet Show partner who does not seem to want to honor shared agreements.
Part of the problem? You guys don't actually write down your shared agreements. She sometimes withholds information. She neglects your needs and sometimes creates emotional distance with some of her behaviors. When conflict comes up, she is unwilling to participate in clear, constructive conflict resolution.
It becomes emotional hooha. Which is fine, feelings do need expression to clear the air. But that cannot be all
of it. It's only part
of the process to clear the air. To move it forward?
You have to make CHANGES in agreements and/or behaviors and put it in effect! To actually reach the happy medium place where all players get most wants, needs, and limits met most of the time.
But without shared agreements written down, you cannot hold each other accountable in an efficient way.
- THIS is the shared agreement at this time. See it on paper?
- THESE expected behaviors are done by me.
- THESE expected behaviors are done by you.
- THESE behaviors are NOT being done me.
- THESE behaviors are NOT being done by you.
- What's your suggested plan for restoring order to our shared agreement universe? Do the agreements need to change? Do they no longer serve us well? Or the agreements are fine and our behaviors need tidy up?
- THIS is my suggested plan for restoring order to our shared agreement universe...
- What plan we want to try out to move this thing forward in a healthy way? Yours? Mine? A combo thing?
- Alright. Have we all owned part of the elephant? Everyone apologized? Everyone still willing to try to move forward with a new plan?
- Let's go then. New plan activate. Progress report on ____ date. Attempt to fly the new mission.
Bang, bang, DONE.
Through the story, you were trying to hold up your ORAL agreements. Throughout the story, she was neglecting you needs even when the new agreement became an oral/implied "primary-secondary" type poly model rather than just a general "open" model with casual sex on the side. Sometimes she seems like she would “wiggle” the oral agreement. Enter more Muppet Show shenanigans to the point where you were tempted to break agreements just to get SOME of your unmet needs by her met SOMEWHERE.
You made mistakes because you were left neglected and hurt. While understandable, it is not an excuse
for breaking shared agreement. Now instead of 1 person not holding up their side of the shared agreement/responsibilities stick... TWO people are falling down on the job! That does not serve the shared relationship at all.
I commend you for coming clean and trying to get BACK into right relationship with her. But relating takes two – some back and forth action there. You don't sound happy in a one-sided relationship.
But the bottom line? Loving someone is not automatic “stayingness” – if no accountable progress is being made, it may be easier to love her as her friend rather than dating partner and skip more shenanigans.
At this point where is your willingness? Done here? Or willing to try again? Where is hers? You could request a trial period if you are both still willing to give it another go. But SHE controls her behavior. It is on her to deliver to spec or not. This time do specify and write down your shared agreements. Do check to make sure they are actually realistic and keepable. (That "no coworkers" thing -- you agreed to something that was NOT realistic for you to keep.)
You can only control your own behavior. You can deliver your end of things and OBSERVE how she behaves and if she meets the new bar or not.
If you just want to be a Jedi player playing with a Jedi player -- could end it here and go seek one out. It is just not
here at this time. Maybe you are at full limit and just done. And need support in that arena.
If you are willing to be a Jedi Player playing with a Muppet temporarily to see if she can grow to meet the standard? Maybe you need support in that arena. You could decide how long "temporarily" is to you and at what volume you can stand Muppet Show at. What are your dealbreakers? (Muppets are fun to watch on TV, but nobody needs to LIVE their real life in backstage chaos being hit by flying chickens and stuff. Ugh.
Again, I am sorry you are going through this and that you hurt.
However it is this one particular relationship plays out... You could choose to keep your OWN CODE in general. Choose ethical, self respecting behaviors and a personal standard that supports you in YOU keeping your best long term healths in good balance – mind, heart, body, and soul.
You are ultimately responsible for the care and keeping of you. Choose carefully who you keep company with and how. It's your own health at risk.
What else could you need from forum people as you sort yourself out? Which direction are you leaning toward? Breaking up or giving it another go?
Hang in there.