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Old 02-08-2013, 07:59 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,237

I don't know how much of my overwhelmedness is coming from the fact that I broke up with her because I didn't trust her OR from the fact that J and I have yet to experience either one of us "falling in love" with another person.
I am confused. It can't be all 4 things?

1) Healing hurt of betrayal of trust.
2) Healing from grieving a break up thing.
3) Anxiety that J is having a new Sweetie in general.
4) Anxiety that J is having a new sweetie and it is a known UGH making person

I don't see where picking apart WHICH overwhelm matters because while introspection is useful? Eventually gotta move on to taking some kind of ACTION to see if you feel better after the new behavior or not. Introspection used like an avoidy snooze tag button? That foments "tempest in a teapot" whirlwind thoughts that keep you in the suffering stuckness.

Could just apply solutions... take action in the present situation and see if you feel better and take note which solutions did it. Then you have your answer for which tools in your emotional coping toolbox serve you well.

[I wrote everything above before going to bed last night. J ended up reading my first post, and then came and talked to me, saying that he had no idea how overwhelming it had been for me and that he doesn't even want to see D if it so overwhelming. He emphasized that a secondary relationship can only work for him if it does not throw us out of whack, and that it seemed like one with D definitely would. I told him that I hadn't yet talked with him about all of my feelings, because I wanted them clear in my own head before I tried to communicate them with him. I feel like at this point, even if J doesn't want to see D, it seems really important to me that I still define wants, needs, and limits for myself. I also still really need closure around what happened with this relationship. She pops up in my head pretty much every day still, and it causes me anxiety.]

There you found a solution to relieve some of the suffering.

1) Vent the "heat of the moment" stuff online safely.

2) When calmer, go to your partner and talk it out.

That served you well this time. Could remember it for next time.

I don't want to keep my eyes shut to how I played a part in what happened with D, and keep them shut unnecessarily and make a hard limit about J's relationship with her.
I agree with your counselor. You DO need learn to put your own oxygen mask on first. NOT be over-responsible. Own your part of the situation making. But you didn't make it alone either. Everyone holds their own baggage. Not be fresh and dump yours on to others. Also not take on board other people stuff needlessly. Just... everyone holds their own bag. Don't like what you tote? Sort out your baggage. Friends and partners can help tell you what flatters you and what does not if you ask. But only you can unpack that suitcase you tote around.

I need to take some inquiry/introspective time to really define my wants, needs, and limits.
Yup. Could choose to travel light in life's journey. Stuff that no longer fits or serves you well? Discard that baggage!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-08-2013 at 08:05 PM.
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