Hi Katja, I don't trust (or like) my husbands girlfriend. He's been in a relationship with her for 19 months now. Here's how I deal with it.
When he met her, she had a BF in another city. She told my husband about the BF, but she did not tell the BF about the fact that she met my husband and got involved with him. She said she would, soon, but in her own time. The fact that she was cheating made me not trust her. I met her in person a couple of months after husband and she started dating. I did not like her much but was still hopefull that she would tell the BF and it would all be more open, and that that would make me like her more.
To make a long story short, she ended up cheating on my husband with another guy. Lied about where she had been and with whom etc. Husband found out. Almost broke up with her. Right now the situation is: my husband knows about her 2 other lovers. The 2 other lovers dont know about each other or about my husband. We assume (ha) that there are no other guys in the picture but who knows!
So the thing that was most difficult for me to deal with through all this, was the fact that I did not respect her, and that it was extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that my husband loves and cares for a person who I think is not worthy of his love.
It took me a long time to realize how stupid this is.
It is not up to me to decide who he loves or why. I am not a part of their relationship, nor am I his conscience. He has to make his own decisions and do what feels right to him. I can and will not change anything about the way he chooses to live his life and how he loves and what he is willing to put up with. I still trust him with ME. He has lied to me about some things when he was deep in NRE with her. So, yeah, he made mistakes. I made tons of them in the beginning of our poly life. But right now? I trust him completely. The fact that he trusts someone I would not trust, does not really change that (anymore).
In the end, you cannot really control the amount of openness in your relationship(s), because there are other people involved whose behavior you can't control. You can control the level of openness you execute. You could say, for instance: "I will never lie for you or for D. If there is ever a situation where it would be asked of me to lie about her cheating, I won't do it. Just so you know, that is the risk you have to take".
There are, of course, lots of things that have to do with my life, that I do want to have control over. I had to give up my dream of spending time with my husband and metamour. My BF spends time at our house sometimes, and I know my husband would love it if I and his GF got along and we could spend time together. But it is his choice to be with her, and it the choice has consequences.
One thing that I asked him to do, and I know this may sound trivial and silly, but it helped me, is that he now sleeps on my side of the bed when she spends the night with him and she sleeps on his side, this means I don't feel that someone I don't like has slept in my bed.
My husbands birthday is coming up. I usually cook a big dinner for all his friends. This year I said: "if you want to invite her to your birthday, I can't and won't stop you. But if you do I won't cook, because I cannot treat her like an honored guest like I treat your other friends. If you invite her, the whole party will be your responsibility and I will be a guest like everyone else. I'll behave, I'll be nice, but I won't be the hostess".
A year ago? I would have thrown a fit if he had told me he wanted to invite her for his birthday and told him no way.
Not sure if there's any advice in all this. Just wanted to share a similar story with you.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf