I'm sorry -- this is a rough situation.
He is experiencing "dating partner scarcity." And his solution is not to network more and meet new people... But seek to reconnect to the old manipulative ex? That you had started dating first? Baffling.
(Is he a lazy dater?)
Just having sexual chemistry here with this person is worth the price of readmission for him? Despite the discomfort it causes his partner (you) and previous breaking up with her for emotional manipulation? Well, if he wants to pursue? You cannot control that.
Let him know your discomfort, and let him know where you stand if he proceeds. You are not going to stop him. But that doesn't mean you have to stay in a situation that is yucky to you. You can control you.
I stopped trusting D. How could I trust this person I'd known for 3 weeks if she was willing to break a very clear boundary with her boyfriend of 2 years?
Here you did not do that -- control you. She did not break that boundary alone.
YOU broke it too. So did J. You both helped her to cheat on the BF.
You seem to crave more honest, trust building behaviors now. Which is commendable. People make mistakes and learn.
Problem is... J wants to go BACK for more crazy there?
No wonder you feel ugh.
5. I am honestly unsure whether or not I could stay emotionally present and connected with J if he were to pursue a romantic relationship with D. I really don't know how I would feel. Thinking about it right now, I feel resistance in my heart toward J. And I do not want to feel such resistance to my primary partner.
I would call that
- I need to feel connected to /respected and considered by my primary partner. I do not want to feel emotionally distant because my wants, needs, and limits not considered by my partner consistently.
If he chooses to pursue a relationship with a person you cannot feel trustworthy about?
- It is your physical (sex) health in danger.
- It is your emotional health in danger.
- It is your mental health (right now even) being poked.
- Your spirit/soul is taking a ding there.
You are responsible for your own well being. In partnership, a partner could sign up to help you to tend to your buckets, but that doesn't mean YOU stop tending your own health buckets! If he's not considering you and helping to tend your buckets well?
You could decide to continue to tend yourself toward your own best healths. Could decide not
to expect him to help you as your partner. Could own your own buckets, and let him go own his buckets.
Could tell him you won't stop him from pursuing her. But you will have to dial down your OWN relationship with him to "friends only" (or not even) because you have to look out for your own
best healths. It is what it is. What he wants to expose his healths to is his business. But what you are willing to expose your healths to is your business.
You can see no other solution here. Does he? You are willing to listen to his POV.
Right now? I cannot see how his WANT to be in a lover relationship with her can
exist in the same place as your NEEDS of
- I need to be with a partner who has/will choose trustworthy, non manipulative OSO people so I can feel emotionally safe around my partner and metamour.
- I need to be with non-cheaters/ people willing to lab test for STI for me to feel physically safe with a partner/meta.
- If we are looking at the possibility of a triad, I need my partners to share similar values for it to be compatible and harmonious. (ex: your sleepover values are not shared. Are other values shared?)
- I need to feel connected to / respected and considered by my primary partner. I do not want to feel emotionally distant because my wants, needs, and limits not considered by my partner consistently.
6. It feels really crappy to me to expect that I wouldn't want to interact with my partner's partner at all. But that is how I feel now: I would not want to talk to her, interact with her, or ever see her at our home. But that goes against the kind of openness I want so much in our relationship! I want to be at least friendly with my partner's partner(s). I want to trust them and respect them, and have them respect me. I don't want to operate with a DADT structure, but that's almost how I feel I would need it with this particular person.
I find it odd you do not mention wanting same from J as you do your metamour. Like...
"It goes against the openness I want so much in our relationship. I want to be friendly with J. I want to trust J and respect J, and have J respect me."
Why is that missing from your list? Could sit with that a bit and discern.
Because again...maybe the solution is to Dial J down from "lover" to "friend" so you that you CAN trust and respect him as a friend person? Not have primary partner/lover expectations of him and be suffering and upset with him if he is not delivering it?
What does HE want to be to you? What is he prepared to deliver/not deliver consistently?
Because as a lover / primary -- he's dinging your health buckets without consideration right now.
A friend who is NOT your lover would not ding your personal health buckets if he went off to pursue untrustworthy new lovers. You'd worry for your friend of course, but YOUR health buckets would be ok.
I am sorry you are going through this.
But take it one step at a time here. You are being VERY clear in your post in how you feel about his want vs your needs.
You just don't yet categorize your list in terms of
- my wants (negotiable, can be given up or changed)
- my needs (NOT negotiable. I need these things to feel safe and thrive in my relationships)
- my limits. ( Personal limitations. Boundaries for relationship shape. Soft limits could change in time, hard limits are "no way, Jose!" )
Maybe arrange your thoughts in those terms and present it to him. Maybe he thinks your needs
that you could give up?
But if you have presented it already and he doesn't care... well, he doesn't care then. He wants his wants over your needs. Sigh.
Then you could accept this and then make your next choice in the interest of preserving your best long term healths. Even if it means having to wade through some short term health suckage of ending romance and changing the relationship shape to get there.
Could choose to put your own oxygen mask on FIRST and keep your own nose clean in all the wacky. Hang in there. It sounds rough.
You can control YOU and whether or not you choose self respecting behavior for yourself. If you do not choose self respecting behavior? Wanting/needing others to respect you? Why should they? If you yourself don't? You set the tone for what you will and will not put up with.
You can get through this and take good care of YOU. I believe in you. You could believe in you too.
My 2 cents.