View Single Post
  #10  
Old 02-08-2013, 12:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,543
Default

1) Why are you doing serious relationship talks over TEXT? He has a phone in his hand. Could he call? Because then at least you get tone of voice and immediate back and forth. Not "pausable" texts without the paraverbal communication.

2) Your conversation? My comments in blue.
Him: Omg, just woke up. Late night with F.
(Why bother to tell you about F being a late night? Why not leave it at "OMG, I just woke up. But I wanted to reconnect with you. I missed you.)

Me: :-/ I don't know what to say.

Him: I'm just telling you why I didn't see your message until now.
(Why not say "I overslept. I am sorry I did not see your message til now" then? Because bringing up F? Makes you not like F. When the prob is not F. It is HIS time management/keeping agreement/communication style.)

Me: Thanks. (passive aggressive, I know, but I just didn't know what to say at that point, and was/am feeling frustrated).
That is not passive aggressive. That is neutral.

Him: I'm sorry, things went late and I went to bed.. you knew they were coming over. Are you angry?
(That bit is blame shifty. You knowing he had a date does not excuse him from dealing in his time management to also be able to keep agreements made to you and communicating well. The agreement to reassure post date and reconnect. Here it is post date and he is not reassuring or reconnecting. He's creating distance between you.

He recognizes he did a potential bad because he is asking if you are mad. So he CAN recognize when he does a bad and does not keep an agreement. He's not clueless. He does the responsible thing and asks. You? You avoid. This creates emotional distance too. Are you not confident in conflict resolution skills?


Me: It's just a point I've talked about before, really liking the reassurance after these long encounters, especially when I know they're happening. Sometimes I feel a little secondary (not the priority) if I don't hear back for a bit, as well... and it's the second 'school night' this week where you've had an encounter, where with me you say you don't feel sexual or romantic on 'school nights'. Just feel a little less than... and/or just not having a good morn.

(You do not answer his question straight up. "Yes. I am angry." Why not? It's a fair question.

You do not tell him what you'd like his behavior to be instead here. You wander off into your feelings. They need expression, but you do not come BACK to accountable behavior. You do not ask him how he plans to change his behavior (if at all) so you know what to expect next time from him either. Almost like you are unwilling to hold him accountable to your shared agreements because... you are not good with conflict resolution skills? Something else? )


Him: Sorry sweets, I haven't had time to be reassuring... I woke up late. I love you!

He perceives your red feelings stuff above. He gives you a "feelings" solution with "I love you" then. Since his goal at the time is to be reassure man He's trying.

But you could be clearer about what you want from him -- state specifics straight up. "Please change your behavior in your time management and agreement keeping." Otherwise you risk starting to feel his "I love you" is like bandaid short term solution, and not long term solution. Don't make him guess. Spit it OUT.

We all have the same amount of time. 24 hrs in a day. He does not state what ACTION will change for long term fix. You also do not state. Who will then? Who is responsible for the long term health of this relationship if neither partner wants to go there?


Me: I love you too...and I think it's fair for us to say now that it is possible to feel sexual or passionate on school nights, depending... not to the contrary. (Then another sentence of a different topic inserted here).

(This is confusing to me. I would say "That nice. I love you too. But I would like to set a time to talk. I do not love your current time management behavior, your not keeping agreement behavior. What date on the calendar would you like to make for addressing this? I am good on _____. What works for you?

We could also address date making behavior. Because in future if you don't feel like making a date with me on a school night because you rather make it elsewhere, I rather hear that straight up than get "oh it is a school night" business and come to find you rather spend it elsewhere later. It feels like a soft lie. Coupled with no reassure after other dates? I do not like that behavior.
Again... could not text on cel phones for serious relationship talks. Could use that to make appointments for dealing with serious relationship talks.

This one pending? Is about his poor time management and his poor keeping of shared agreements/meeting needs, and your expectations. Maybe also your date making style with each other. Something in there could change.

Because if he has a cel phone in his hand? There's a thing called an alarm clock on it AND a thing called a calendar on it. Shape up, dude! That is on him to deal in. Only he can change his ways. You cannot control that.

Otherwise you? You get two choices here that you can control.
  • Accept him how he is, and just tolerate it because you decide to expect less of him and stop expecting him to meet some of those "primary guy" needs. The price of admission here to date him includes tolerating poor time management skills. Accept he's not "primary material" on your personal standard.
  • Choose not to be in relationship with him at all because you WOULD rather be able to expect more from your dating partners -- primary or not -- on this time management stuff.

Which is it? Could sit with it for a bit and discern how you feel about these things in a dating partner.

Hang in there. It's hard to feel -- but take it one layer at a time. You will be ok.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-08-2013 at 01:00 AM.
Reply With Quote