New on the other side
This thread is pretty old and I don't know if any of you are still reading it. I am on the other side of the position referenced in this thread, and I am in a lot of pain. I need some help before I go crazy!
My partner showed me this thread in yet another attempt to be helpful. Quite frankly I don't want his help. And the more I read the angrier I got - a petty anger that I am angry at myself for feeling. Like I said - a lot of anger.
My story is this: We were ostensibly monogamous for years. I was having random encounters at places like the gym and the beach, which I felt intensely guilty about. Last fall we both fell for the same guy. The feelings were not reciprocated and that relationship crashed and burned, but it left my partner and me wondering if either of us wanted to be "monogamous." After that it all came out - we admitted to each other that we were both having random sexual encounters, and I felt so relieved. We started having random quickies with others and three ways, and it was all fun.
Then he met someone at the bathhouse, of all places. I showed up there late and saw them together. The moment I saw the way they were interacting with each other I knew this was more than a hook up. My partner was enamored with him. We ended up having a 3 way and that was that. My partner, however, started dating him. Now, months later, they are in love.
My partner read "The Ethical Slut" which I have also read (mostly.) He has done everything he can to make this easier on me. He has asked for permission and consent for everything. He has showered me with love and attention. Our sex life has never been better. I have no doubt that I am loved.
Intellectually I understand that he is capable of loving us both. I understand that love does not lose meaning when it is not exclusive. I understand that this other guy, whom I genuinely like as a person, poses no threat to me. My partner keeps saying over and over, like a broken record, "I'm never leaving you."
It brings me no comfort. With each passing day I find myself just a little more angry than I was the day before. I feel myself rejecting him. I don't want his comfort. I don't want his platitudes. I don't want anything from him. When we talk about how we feel we both just end up feeling worse than we did before. He feels like he did something wrong, and I feel angry.
I attempt to alleviate his pain by telling him that I consented to all of it, that he did nothing wrong. It's all true - the man has been nothing but caring and compassionate to a point that I know I could never be able to arrive. He has allowed me to cry, to scream, to be cold and resentful, without responding. I give him great credit for that and I am so very grateful. But, sitting here, with him at his boyfriend's house, I am just bitter. Bitter, cold, and afraid that if I stay here my ability to love will just shrivel and die.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be angry. I would do anything to just love him, and he love me, and not be concerned with what happens aside from those wonderful moments. I wish I could just take a deep breathe and exhale this soul-rotting poison that I feel has infested me. But I just cry and cry and cry - not really knowing why. I, too, wander aimlessly through the house, wishing I wasn't so angry that I could punch a hole through the fabric of the universe. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I don't know what I'm angry at. I don't understand my feelings at all. And I feel lost and alone and adrift.
I'm in so much pain.