Originally Posted by Numina
Are you saying that no one in your life cares enough about you to ask you what is wrong when you are having a bad day, when you are stressed, frustrated, or upset? . . . I would hope that everyone has at least one person (a significate other, a friend, or a caring co-worker) who cares enough about them to be concerned when they can see that there is something wrong.
Well, you're being very literal here. Yes, of course I have people in my life who care about me and say comforting things to me, but no one is trying to get me to change how I feel or petting me until I am feeling better. It's up to me. Besides, it isn't always constructive to try and comfort people beyond offering your presence if they want it
. When someone is in the midst of difficult feelings, a word or touch that tries to dissipate what they're feeling often only submerges it and doesn't allow them to move through and experience the emotion. I'm saying that it seems Airyn runs to placate her and manipulate her into being in a more acceptable mood that all of you can tolerate, rather than letting her be. That is disrespectful, in my eyes. Why can't she have her own experience? If her moods can't be tolerated in your space, let her find somewhere else to go where her moods are welcome.
In addition, I haven't read much, or anything really, about any other friendships of hers. Are you and Airyn allowing her the space to nurture friendships with other people, classmates, her peers? When does she go out and socialize with girlfriends, and other guys? The whole situation seems very limiting to her freedom as an individual. There is something pretty icky about the dynamic you and Airyn have created in order to make him happy and to keep her around.
Originally Posted by Numina
These four quotes from your lastest post feel contradictory. Are you uncomfortable with Chipmunk's possible motives? Are you telling me to kick her out, to toss her thing out the door? or do you feel sorry for her? I'm guessing that all three are correct depending on what you are reading or responding to, however this comes across to me as confusing, and contradictory.
Yes, I do feel sorry for her because of all the expectations that were piled up on her to be a gf to both of you, and how her life is micromanaged by both you and Airyn. That is just how I have seen it running through your thread. AND I also see that she is young, inexperienced, and hasn't found her voice yet. She needs to step up and grow up, and stop depending on you two to run things for her. I suspect that she only moved in out of fear of having nowhere else to go, because you two made it easy for her in that respect, and she convinced herself she is in love to deal with it. I don't think that her motives are intentional, but rather unconscious.
She is in her early 20s, correct? I'll admit, I have very little patience with young people who don't have a clue how to stand up for themselves. I grew up in the 70s when independence was the goal. At her age, I had already moved out of my parent's place to NYC with very little money and squatted illegally in an apartment until I convinced the landlord to give me a lease the next year. I had been working since I was 14, and contributing money to my mother's household since I was 16. When I moved out to live on my own in a scary, expensive, big city, I budgeted myself using envelopes to save the cash I made as a waitress to pay my bills. I lived without a phone for almost two years, and asked the owner of a candy store to take messages for me on his payphone. I was resourceful and strove to be independent, so I get frustrated when I read how complacent and indecisive Chipmunk is. Still, I do feel sorry for her.
While, yes, you can say she chose
to try being in a relationship with the two of you, even though she wasn't really bisexual, and she chose
to move in, can't you see that she did it all because she was desperate and didn't think she had many other viable options? So, she had a crush on him, and thought it would be cool to hook up, but she needed to get out of her bad home situation more than anything.
However, I don't see all the hand-holding and micro-managing you and Airyn do, as being very helpful to her. Very often, the only way we can help those we care about to stand on their own, is to let them fall down and figure out how to pick themselves up. We can be there for them without doing it all for them. So, yes, I think the best resolution is to say, "This isn't working. Please move out as soon as possible." Don't find an apartment for her, don't give her the bus schedule, make suggestions but let her do it. She can still be in a relationship with Airyn and live on her own in a room she rents from someone sharing their apartment or house, and she can learn to manage her own money. If she wants the relationship with Airyn to continue, and be a self-sufficient adult about her life, it is on her to be proactive instead of waiting for solutions from him and you. And if she can't handle that, oh well. It won't be the end of Airyn if he loses her.