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Old 02-07-2013, 04:00 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default partial response #3

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I have been very suspicious of her motives since you started writing about Chipmunk. If Airyn didn't have a place for her to stay and offer some security to Chipmunk, I doubt she'd have stuck around in this relationship with him as long as she has.
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
the answer is simple - kick her out.
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would have changed the locks and put her things out a long time ago
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
In actuality, the person I've felt most sorry for in all this has been Chipmunk. She had all this expectation placed on her to satisfy both you and Airyn in your desire for a triad, and whenever she shows any sign of knowing her own mind, you are disappointed and lecture her.
These four quotes from your lastest post feel contradictory. Are you uncomfortable with Chipmunk's possible motives? Are you telling me to kick her out, to toss her thing out the door? or do you feel sorry for her? I'm guessing that all three are correct depending on what you are reading or responding to, however this comes across to me as confusing, and contradictory.

I'll go with your last sentiment.
Chipmunk chose to move in. Then she has chosen over and over to continue living with us. She could have said at any time, "I've had enough of this, I don't like this, I'm moving out" and then actually moved. She chose to stay and live with us versus moving back in with her biological mom, or find a room for rent like you previously suggested. There were expectations, hopes, ideals about what could be. When these didn't pan out Chipmunk could have spoken up, she could have said, "hey this isn't working like we talked about, now what?" Both Chipmunk and Airyn could have spoken up when they realized it wasn't going to be. Instead I figured it out, and brought it to them. Yes I'm disappointed. Who wouldn't be? Have I lectured her about this failure at an intimate relationship? Have I pointed my finger at her telling her this is "all her fault" or that she's a "home wrecker" (both of which I have read about happening in other triad situations gone wrong)? No, I have not.

What I did was talk with her asking her to work with me to find some level of intimacy that we could both be comfortable with. This could have turned towards a very unique friendship. It did not. Was she open to the idea? I do not know, she never said, never came back to me with any ideas of her own for what she and I could try. I came to her with ideas, most of them she shot down. I have only shared the ones that were very hurtful to me, the ones that felt most like a rejection to me. It's not as if she wasn't making me an offer. She was very clear in letting Airyn and I know that she was only interested in me, that she was unsure of Airyn, uncomfortable with Airyn. When she explained that she was unsure of Airyn, I asked if she would be willing to spend time with us getting to know Airyn better to see if this was something she was interested in trying or not. After they started hitting it off better it came out that Chipmunk had a crush on Airyn when she first met him in class, but decided to consider him no more then friend material once finding out he was married. Some how the same thing did not happen in her mind where I was concerned. *shrug* Once she decided she was comfortable dating Airyn, then she let on that she would be interested in trying out the poly lifestyle we were suggesting. It is very disappointing, and hurtful to be offered something you want over and over again only to find out that the offer wasn't real. I'm sure the first offer (or two) were real, but the last several were not. I am not an uncaring person who lacks compassion and understanding. Instead of treating with me as if the wants and desires of each member of my household are important to me I was ignored. My desire for something that was not to be was ignored, and not talked about other then to tell me that I was seeing things wrong, that I should work harder at it. Realising this is a disappointment, how can I express it as anything less.

If that is not the lecturing you are talking about then I'll have to assume you are talking about the email I sent Chipmunk? If that is so then are you telling me that I have no right to expect respectfulness of myself, and my space? Airyn and I both made subtle suggestions that she should participate in keeping the household chores under control. Airyn came at me over and over for 3 months with his anger and stress over the state of our place. I pointed out over and over that I am maintaining my things that it is not my mess, or Wolfs mess he is upset about, and that he should talk with Chipmunk about this. He chose not to. In my tired of all of it state over the "she's a roommate" comment I sent that email. And I acknowledge that it was me telling Chipmunk in essence that she has to clean up behind herself, and think about more then just herself. Sure she can go around calling Airyn her boyfriend, but she can not do so and ignore the fact that Airyn is married. Sure she can live how ever she wants in her own home, but she does not live in her own home. She is sharing space with a family, and should at least be considerate enough to pick up behind herself, and not always be expecting me and Airyn to pick up and wash her laundry and dishes for her. Her response (to the room mate comment part) was that I should never have expected her to go around and not call Airyn her boyfriend. I told her that this was not the problem, the problem occured when she chose not to allow me a place by Airyn's side because she and Airyn are dating. I could easily have said the same thing to her, she should never have expected me to go around and not call Airyn my husband. And to keeping the household chores under control, she got angry telling Airyn that the "only" space she has is the closet, and that she is just going to move out. Sadly for all of us even that closet is shared space. There had not been any space that was just one persons, that was "private", until we curtained off a section of the living room. It's not much, but it does help to some degree. It's not "private", but it is a space Chipmunk can call "hers" and live in however she wants. It was also her idea, and we started setting it up the very next day.

The email tells Chipmunk to clean up behind herself. It is up to her when, and how often. We may joke about making her clean up, and yes I have told her that I "should" or "could" use the same "tough love" suggestions she was throwing in my face over how Wolf takes care of her laundry and dishes. But this has NEVER been done. It was said in jest, and yes it was also meant to point out the absurdity of treating her an adult like a child. Those comments from me are more to point out that the issues she had with Wolf are the very same things she does, and to point out that I could take her parenting advice but use her "touch love" approach on her. Did it make a difference? Nope. Her laundry is piled up right now in the living room, and the bed room. Both the washer and dry are loaded with her things. This has been the case for over a week now. I have twice talked to her about my need to do laundry, to wash work clothes, and school clothes, asking her to clear her things from the washer and dryer. Maybe this weekend I'll get to do my laundry. I could very easily fall into treating her as I do Wolf, like a child. Some times it is very difficult for me not to, I stop and think about what I'm going to say so that she will be less likely to feel threatened by me, and won't feel as if I am treating her poorly. Mostly I am successful, but if I'm not I'm not sure I'd even know it. I do not think she would say anything to me about it, and I'm not sure she'd say anything to Airyn about it either.

If she would just talk to me. On her own, or when I am trying to talk to her. A lot of these things wouldn't be a problem, but she won't. When I attempted to get her input on how much she should contribute to household food, paper, and gas expenses she was unable to suggest any value. I suggested a value for gas based on the miles/per gallon we get in my car versus the driving for Chipmunk. Several months of Chipmunk and I grocery shopping together, and talking about how much different household staples cost, and she could offer no value that she would be ok with. I made a suggestion and she accepted it with out discussion, or complaint, or asking any questions. It makes it very hard to talk to her about extra expenses, like contact solution. I don't not wear contacts, but her and Airyn do. At the time I made my suggestion this was an item only Chipmunk used. Now Airyn wears contacts too. So I purchased solution, and told them that this is an extra expense, and that the next set Chipmunk would have to cover the cost. This news received no comment from her. No, Oh ok, yeah that makes sense, or but shouldn't my contribution already cover this expense?

The rest I'll leave out.
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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