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Old 02-07-2013, 03:48 PM
Numina Numina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default partial response #2

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And I don't see why Airyn wants to be involved in her bank account, it just doesn't make sense to me at all if the goal is for her to be independent. It seems so... parental. My comments about him being controlling are not just about the last few posts, but an overall thing he seems to do, keeping her in check, wanting her to do certain things, asking you to say or not say certain things to her, it is all over the place and I am puzzled how you cannot see it -- but perhaps it is simply an interpretation of the written word and only coming across that way to me? You are very detailed in your writing and so maybe it just seems he is trying to control a lot because we are reading the details of so many conversations. I don't think you need to change how you write, I will try to change how I read it. However, there are glaring GLARING problems you seem to brush off in deference to Airyn and it seems so detrimental to everyone involved.
I think part of this is a misconception, and that is my fault. Perhaps you would consider it controlling, perhaps not. When I talk about Airyn not wanting me to say certain things to Chipmunk I am referring to my coming to him and using him as a sounding board for things I want to talk with Chipmunk about. He offers me advice. Often he suggests that I wait till I have cooled down so that I donít come at her with my aggressive, hot-headedness. I choose to listen to this advice even when I feel she does need to hear what I have to say. Chipmunk would not handle my more aggressive approach to certain types of communication well. This is one of the things I have been working on for many month, Iíve learned a lot, and have reduced this tendency. I can see it in my communication with Airyn. More often then not Airyn tells me that what I want to say she needs to hear, then he councils me to avoid wording or tone that is over bearing and aggressive. This is hard for me, and that maybe what you are interpreting as him controlling what I can and can not discuss.

I do defer to Airyn a lot, he is the more calm and patient one in our relationship. We both know and acknowledge this, and so I bring him my issues and listen to his advice. As the more calm less aggressive person I see him as capable of pointing out when Iím over reacting and canít see that for myself. However my emotions seem to come through just fine in my writing. NYCindie we'll have to PM and talk about this one more.

The bank account thing is being ironed out. His willingness to be a joint account holder stems from Chipmunks desire to feel connected. It also comes from their lack of understand of the financial pitfalls this can and does cause. Not that I'm at the top of that game. I had reservations, and uncertainty, but not any exact understanding of what could go wrong. Just generalities, and potential negative outcomes.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You still don't get it. If she is in a shitty mood, why does he see it as his duty to go and fix her? I don't have anyone ringing my doorbell when I'm in a bad mood and placating me to feel better. Who does? If she's in a bad mood and walks out the door, why can't he simply let her take a walk and cool off by herself? It's her mood, her life, her responsibility. Let her go. He consistently runs to her, coos in her ear, manipulates her into feeling better, but that is stunting her own growth and ability to manage her own emotions. Meanwhile, he is abandoning you to take care of this woman. YES she is a woman, not a child, no matter how immature or inexperienced she is. If he stops trying to fix her and she realizes he isn't going to leave your side to cheer her up anymore, she'll stop pulling that shit to get his attention. If she comes back still in a pissy mood, you just tell her, "Listen, your mood is souring everything and we can't even enjoy being in our own home with you here grumbling and having a tantrum. So please either change it, say what's on your mind, or go somewhere else and stay away from me." You know, like from one adult to another! And if she can't manage her moods and it is just too draining on you for her to live there, the answer is simple - kick her out. But your passive acceptance of Airyn's sharing an apartment and a bank account with her, and planning a handfasting, seems like sheer lunacy.
Again I see this as a misinterpretation.
When someone you care about is angry and making it obvious that you are the reason are you going to ignore that youíve done something that has hurt them? Sure she should just come out and say what is bothering her, or at least ask Airyn for a private moment to talk about what ever it is. She chooses not to. It really bother Airyn when he thinks he did something, said something that has hurt, upset, or angered someone he cares about.

An example:
Say heís renting a room from his mom and his mom is angry, or sad about something. She walks through the house showing Airyn her sadness in such a way that he ďthinksĒ he has something to do with what ever is bothering her. In Airynís world that means he should go find out what it is, and correct his mistake, or explain his actions.

With this view, hearing you say that he should just ignore Chipmunkís fowl moods as they are just hers doesnít fit (for me).

I can clear something up here I think:
On D-day, when Chipmunk woke us up to tell Airyn she was going for a walk. She knew Airyn got up, and that he was cleaning and doing laundry. There was at least an hour (probably closer to 2 hours) from when Chipmunk woke us up to tell Airyn she was going for a walk, and when Airyn gave in and went to talk to her. She chose not to go for her walk, and chose to not go to Airyn to tell him why she was pissed at him. Airyn had two choice let her stay pissed at him, and ignore it and spend his day stressed and worried about what he had done, or go talk to her and find out what happened. To find out if he had something to apologize for, explain, or compromise on.

Also I have spoken with Chipmunk about how when she's having a hard time removing herself from the situation before it explodes is a good idea. I told her that this is something I NEED TO WORK ON. That I should have, and didn't remove myself from a couple situations that I was not comfortable with, and made thing difficult for her and Airyn in the process. I gave her some examples of where I made this mistake. I told her I was working on it, and asked for her patients and understanding. I then ask that she try doing the same thing. That when something is too much or too uncomfortable that she remove herself, and talk with me, or Airyn about it later.


Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't have anyone ringing my doorbell when I'm in a bad mood and placating me to feel better. Who does?
Reading this makes me sad. Are you saying that no one in your life cares enough about you to ask you what is wrong when you are having a bad day, when you are stressed, frustrated, or upset?

When Iím at work and my personal stress shows I have several work friends who ask me whatís wrong, and offer to listen if I need someone to talk to. I would hope that everyone has at least one person (a significate other, a friend, or a caring co-worker) who cares enough about them to be concerned when they can see that there is something wrong.
__________________
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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