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Old 02-07-2013, 03:32 PM
Numina Numina is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 139
Default a partial response.

I’m quoting the “disclaimer” portions of my first two posts.
Originally Posted by Numina View Post
First off I have read a lot of negative things about couples "unicorn hunting" and while in a nut shell that maybe all some people see in what we were attempting. We went into this situation with a much more open minded approach then what I have seen described in such a negative light. So give me time to put the basics out there, and get my story together before assuming that we are unicorn predators.

As this is meant to be a blog of my Poly journey I'm not actively seeking advice; however advice is welcome when it is constructive. Tone of voice can not be conveyed in text, so consider your words carefully and realize that the emotional state of the reader will put tone of voice to your words.
Originally Posted by Numina View Post
DISCLAIMER: This is coming from a place of sadness and hurt, so take what you read here with a heavy grain of salt. Remember that these are my words, my impressions, and do not necessarily reflect everything accurately (despite my best efforts I can not detach completely). Not all the details are expressed here. Some things may even be out of order.
I add the underlines for emphasis. Tone of voice is assumed by the reader, based on their emotional state at the time of reading, and the wording of a post. Yes several posters to this forum have had some “harsh” or negative comments, wording is important if a poster wants a reader to respond with a willingness to listen and understand.

I have also acknowledged that this is my view, and that I know it to be skewed, and incomplete. As “detailed” as my posts may seem many, many things are left out, and therefore are unclear.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi Numina,
I am sorry for the harshness of my response. My reaction was only out of concern for you, so I am sorry for having been such a "doomsayer" about all this. I want to be supportive, but when I read what you wrote, I couldn't contain my incredulousness at what is transpiring. With the post about her moving out, I was very hopeful for you, and then when you wrote about him sharing a bank account with her and them handfasting, it blew my mind, like it is all going backwards again. Plus, I have been very suspicious of her motives since you started writing about Chipmunk. If Airyn didn't have a place for her to stay and offer some security to Chipmunk, I doubt she'd have stuck around in this relationship with him as long as she has. I am sorry if that upsets you. If we were face-to-face, I'd be buying you a drink!
*I am attempting to be clearer, to offer a cleaner picture. Yes I am stressed, and I feel that comes through in what and how I write. I am also at the moment calm and thinking about everything. From what is happening right now, to the responses I have received*

The talk of a handfasting, marriage, and kids has been going on since she moved in. It is part of why she struggles to wrap her mind around Airyn and I being married. We told her that while these things are not currently on the table they are potentially an option farther down the road. (At the time we were all dating) That it would have to be discussed at a later time (after figuring out if this would work out or not). She moved in with us saying that she wanted to be married before having kids. Totally understandable, Airyn was not looking to have any more children, so that wasn’t a concern for him other then finding out her views on birth control. The discussion was left with an ok, you want marriage and kids, that may be a possibility later, as in after Wolf is an adult.

So Chipmunk has been talking about getting married, and wanting a ceremony, that is where the handfasting idea came in. It’s a ceremony that can happen sooner then marriage or kids. Chipmunk has been looking at wedding dresses, wedding cakes and other wedding related things since moving in. She talks about wanting kids in the same conversation she says “reason # 46 for not having kids,” and pointing out that she can’t have a kid with Airyn because he can’t marry her and stay married to me. Chipmunk will say all this and then tells us she doesn’t think she’d be a good mom, and so doesn’t want kids.

Mostly Airyn and I had attempted to explain that our marriage did not mean that she could not consider Airyn her boyfriend, and me her girlfriend. We didn’t do a good job of that, that’s on us. Neither of us had considered our marriage a barrier, and we were unsure how to alleviate this worry for her. Some how I think this is still leaving a lot out and will not go over well.

Was I bothered that we had only been dating for a couple months and living together for a couple weeks when these conversations started coming up? Yes.
Did my discomfort mean she had no right to ask these questions? To test the waters so to speak? No, I just felt it was way too early to be talking about a more serious commitment then room mating. Kids are not an idle commitment, they are life long. Kids are a much bigger commitment then room mating and agreeing to try dating both of us.

When it comes to conversations about handfasting, I know and remember what was talked about originally, and what I was ok with at the time. I’m still deciding what I will be ok with now. Handfasting does not bother me over much as it is temporary, and is really just a verbal commitment with some pomp and ceremony if the couple wishes it. Airyn knows that Marriage between them is not on the table as far as I am concerned at this moment.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You have more patience than I could ever have, and that says a lot because I am a very patient person. I did read and understand your posts - I know the handfasting won't be right away, and when I said she doesn't need her own apartment, I just meant it doesn't have to be in her own name - wouldn't it be quicker if she looked for a room somewhere and lived with a regular roommate (someone she isn't having sex with)? Then, at least, you wouldn't have to wait as long for her to save up money to do it, since an apartment share would surely be cheaper than getting a place on her own. The idea that she should have her own apartment right away seems rather unrealistic to me. Ultimately I just don't see how you can continue to put up with the situation you have now - I would have changed the locks and put her things out a long time ago, because isn't the important thing to get her out of your space? So, that's why I think she can just look for a share situation and not wait to get a lease.
This helps me understand what you mean and what you are trying to say. Yes I can see your suggestion as a quicker way to get her moved out.

I have no experience with a rent/apartment “shares” and do not know of any within walking distance of Chipmunk’s job. I think she could find something like what you suggest farther out, but that would require her to either have a vehicle, or be willing to learn our public transportation system. While I have offered to help her learn the busing/train system here she has not taken me up on this offer.

And it never occured to me to suggest she look for a non intimate room mate.
Bi-sexual female

Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).

No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.

Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
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