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Old 02-07-2013, 10:07 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 602
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Thanks for your sympathy, it is appreciated.

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How I miss my everyday trivia. I discovered a small piece of text about Sward and my habits, where we had some points to discuss two weeks ago or so. I had my coffee “date” with Miss Prof. But I just don't feel like any of those are important any more. It's just waiting for things to move forward, to give me something, anything to work with finally. It has been a week and I start to get impatient already. I am surprised that there isn't more grief or upset. I kind of just accepted it for what it seems to be right now.

Is that unhealthy? I suspect it to be, but I can't find more emotions inside of me. I am not upset by friends and acquaintances getting pregnant or seeing them with their children. I feel a sense of loss but there isn't any ill will or begrudging going on. I felt different some months ago from time to time, when I was waiting for things to simply happen. I caught myself thinking: “Come on … it's time for my turn now.” when I met one of my friends from school. She had just given birth to her second child and I was impatient and a bit jealous. Maybe because I saw us on a similar footing back then. Everything was possible. Now it's sadness but no negative feelings involved. As if this door had just closed and nothing I will do can open it again for me and therefore all my negative emotions seem to be wasted in the effort right from the start.

I am waiting. Waiting for my emotions to show a negative response. Maybe sadness is all I will feel in regard to this topic from now on. Waiting for some facts to come to light which will help me move on and DO something. On the other hand I am so used to sitting, waiting, thinking. I feel reminded of the time when I was pondering over the situation with Lin. Except I am not wishing for anything right now, as I can't think of a realistic thing to wish for.

I am grateful for Sward and Lin and their reaction so far. We aren't discussing the topic at length; there isn't much we can say. Overall the situation is quiet and everyone tries to not over-analyze anything. From time to time one makes a comment about this or that aspect. One of my immediate fears didn't come true. I feared for our intimacy being strained or forced. Fortunately, nothing changed. In a way Sward seemed to be relieved as well. His stress was higher than I noticed, now he knows what's up.

The only thing that is getting on our (collective) nerves is the outlook that this may be decided by money in the long run. I am in touch with a couple who went through nearly every medical treatment possible (similar situation to Lin's and mine) and they invested 20.000 Euro over the course of 6 years by now. Of course, things went wrong and wrong and wrong again in their case, but I can't plan for our attempt to just go well and everything is done after the first try. And it feels so wrong to 'purchase' a child. I planned sums of that amount to start building a home, to buy things; not a human life. Ah … just noticed that there are negative feelings. I get furious even thinking about this point. Yeay … negative emotions still available -.- .

What does this leave me with? The notion that if I would have been faster in my studies, that if Lin would be healthier and would be able to find a well-paid job, that if Sward's doctors had been more careful back then, that if … things were just different, we may have been able to handle this situation differently. And there they are again … IF's/WOULD's … that's meaningless right from the start. It is what it is. We will see.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Last edited by Phy; 02-07-2013 at 12:37 PM.
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