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Old 01-04-2010, 02:18 AM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 175

And I have plenty of mono friends who are not bothered by such things yet are still very monogamous. They are not threatened by polyamory and have healthy thriving monogamous relationships.
You're certainly a contrarian, Ceoli. I say that as a compliment.

Thanks for challenging me on this. I thoght I'd made it clear, explaining "the talk" but perhaps I'm not. My friend isn't challenged by polyamory. I think he's challenged by how polyamory for me has caused me not to limit my relationships. I don't mean this to imply that monogamous folks CAN'T have fullfilling relationships or anything like that.

But my "poly awakening" and the change in how I view relationship boundaries are innately connected. It's my stance on those boundaries, which I connect to my own polyamory, which I think he's threatened by.

I'm going to disagree there. I would tend to think that the reason behind the triggering is a lack of understanding of a perspective that is very different from his. I don't see a fundamental value at play in that situation. As I said earlier, I know plenty of people who identify as monogamous or live monogamously who do not feel threatened by relationship styles that don't resemble theirs.
I'm not sure where I wrote this, and not even sure I have on this forum but... I can't speak of something "authoritatively" unless it's my own. So when I mention differences between polyamory and monogamy, I'm speaking of my experience with them, not with the nebulous thigns that are "poly" and "mono". I mean, at the very core, both poly and mono revolve around how INDIVIDUALS relate and I'm very much an individualist. So I ALWAYS imply an "in my experience" or "my opinion is" in every statement I make. There are exceptions to every rule when it comes to complex people, and I fully recognize that. I don't mean to paint all people in a collective with the same brush, I merely mean to share my experiences on the subject.

Does this fact mean that they must not holding to some monogamous value because they don't experience this?
To kind of mesh up your point, my point, the "no such thing as poly realtionships" thread, and to reveal an additional detail this might matter to this specific story. She was introduced to me as "poly". I've gotten to know her a lot better since then, but... She's very sexually and emotively open, and I think SHE identifies as poly in a mono relationship. This kind of adds to (and makes it all the more important) in my mind. She doesn't feel I'm hitting on her, but HE does. She self-identifies as poly, but he does not. The insecurity may very well be at the root of the relationships (stripping any terms from them) - she's getting close to me and I close to her while I'm NOT getting close to him in the same level or manner as I am with him AND she identifies as being open to multiple love interests while he does not.

I think I've lost my point right now, but meh... You can ignore lines if they bore ya.

Now it could very well be that there are a lot of closed-minded people who are threatened by other relationship styles who happen to be monogamous, but it is not some monogamous value that makes them so.
I'll agree, though refer back to the "my experience" disclaimer. I've never had a mono couple that I liked feel uncomfortable by the fact that I'm poly. So no, "poly" doesn't cause mono minds to melt. But every time I've loved someone who is in a mono relationship, there has ALWAYS been some form of issue. In some, we've been able to work them out and re-assure each other. But there's always been that moment where hackles raise. Again, I'm only speaking of my experience, not intending to paint folks with broad brushes.

Just a slight correction my friend. Monogamy definitely is my thing and although I don't see it as a default for all people, I do see it as a default for most.
Sorry, that was actually a typo. I think you got my drift, thanks for helping clarify.

Sex and love are definitely tied to monogamy for me as well. The difference in perspective between mono and poly is that where one sees insecurities the other does not. I don't see someone wanting sexual exclusivity as an insecurity or weakness.
Agreed. And that you say this, perhaps I should explain a bit more. I've had frank sexual discussions with the female friend in this couple. She's my best friend, for so many reasons, and I think it would be very odd not to go there at some point. But we're not sex partners. I understand FULLY that she's committed to her relationship with her boyfriend and that that puts sex off-limits for us. I respect her values, though I don't respect the "default". I wouldn't have sex with her because I know she'd regret it as long as she's committed to that relationship. But I don't respect that "you shouldn't because she's dating him".

In this specific case, I'm INTIMATE with her, but I'm not sexual. And in my point, I tied the "sex, love and monogamy" thing. In his eyes, intimacy is a stop towards sex and sex is a step towards infidelity. He's made this known indirectly, and said things that make me think that my INTIMACY with her is threatening what he sees as their fidelity. That's why I linked the sex and intimacy thing. I link them one way - sex is always intimate for me. But I don't go the other way, intimacy does NOT imply sex. I think for him (and others that I've had experiences with) he DOES link them.

I have seen intolerance in monogamous and poly circles towards a particular love-style
That's an entirely different subject. My first joining a poly community resulted with me being fairly quickly told to "move along" because I wasn't interested in forming a poly "family".

So yeah, it's not reserved to one or the other. :P
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