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Old 02-06-2013, 02:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by Numina View Post
I come to these forums to read other Poly's stories to learn from other people adventures, and to leave my story behind. If you don't understand, or have a question then ask your question. Please avoid pessimistic assumption I have enough of that within and around me.
Hi Numina,
I am sorry for the harshness of my response. My reaction was only out of concern for you, so I am sorry for having been such a "doomsayer" about all this. I want to be supportive, but when I read what you wrote, I couldn't contain my incredulousness at what is transpiring. With the post about her moving out, I was very hopeful for you, and then when you wrote about him sharing a bank account with her and them handfasting, it blew my mind, like it is all going backwards again. Plus, I have been very suspicious of her motives since you started writing about Chipmunk. If Airyn didn't have a place for her to stay and offer some security to Chipmunk, I doubt she'd have stuck around in this relationship with him as long as she has. I am sorry if that upsets you. If we were face-to-face, I'd be buying you a drink!

You have more patience than I could ever have, and that says a lot because I am a very patient person. I did read and understand your posts - I know the handfasting won't be right away, and when I said she doesn't need her own apartment, I just meant it doesn't have to be in her own name - wouldn't it be quicker if she looked for a room somewhere and lived with a regular roommate (someone she isn't having sex with)? Then, at least, you wouldn't have to wait as long for her to save up money to do it, since an apartment share would surely be cheaper than getting a place on her own. The idea that she should have her own apartment right away seems rather unrealistic to me. Ultimately I just don't see how you can continue to put up with the situation you have now - I would have changed the locks and put her things out a long time ago, because isn't the important thing to get her out of your space? So, that's why I think she can just look for a share situation and not wait to get a lease.

And I don't see why Airyn wants to be involved in her bank account, it just doesn't make sense to me at all if the goal is for her to be independent. It seems so... parental. My comments about him being controlling are not just about the last few posts, but an overall thing he seems to do, keeping her in check, wanting her to do certain things, asking you to say or not say certain things to her, it is all over the place and I am puzzled how you cannot see it -- but perhaps it is simply an interpretation of the written word and only coming across that way to me? You are very detailed in your writing and so maybe it just seems he is trying to control a lot because we are reading the details of so many conversations. I don't think you need to change how you write, I will try to change how I read it. However, there are glaring GLARING problems you seem to brush off in deference to Airyn and it seems so detrimental to everyone involved.

Originally Posted by Numina View Post
How can you call it "every single emotion" when Airyn talks with Chipmunk about her being ok at home on a day he is spending with me after reading all these months of her moodiness ruining what could have been a good day for Airyn an I. How many months now have I complained that a shitty mood of Chipmunks has pulled Airyn to her side while he attempts to cheer her up, or calm her down, or what ever.
You still don't get it. If she is in a shitty mood, why does he see it as his duty to go and fix her? I don't have anyone ringing my doorbell when I'm in a bad mood and placating me to feel better. Who does? If she's in a bad mood and walks out the door, why can't he simply let her take a walk and cool off by herself? It's her mood, her life, her responsibility. Let her go. He consistently runs to her, coos in her ear, manipulates her into feeling better, but that is stunting her own growth and ability to manage her own emotions. Meanwhile, he is abandoning you to take care of this woman. YES she is a woman, not a child, no matter how immature or inexperienced she is. If he stops trying to fix her and she realizes he isn't going to leave your side to cheer her up anymore, she'll stop pulling that shit to get his attention. If she comes back still in a pissy mood, you just tell her, "Listen, your mood is souring everything and we can't even enjoy being in our own home with you here grumbling and having a tantrum. So please either change it, say what's on your mind, or go somewhere else and stay away from me." You know, like from one adult to another! And if she can't manage her moods and it is just too draining on you for her to live there, the answer is simple - kick her out. But your passive acceptance of Airyn's sharing an apartment and a bank account with her, and planning a handfasting, seems like sheer lunacy.

All of this you endure because "they're in love?" I wouldn't call any of what is going on with them love, in my book. In actuality, the person I've felt most sorry for in all this has been Chipmunk. She had all this expectation placed on her to satisfy both you and Airyn in your desire for a triad, and whenever she shows any sign of knowing her own mind, you are disappointed and lecture her. And you both then try to micro-manage her life so she can fit better into yours. She likely will never fill the role that Airyn wants for her, either. Neither one of you have treated her like an adult nor individual in her own right. It's all been about you or him. It's like you both find reasons to get upset that she doesn't function in your life the way she was supposed to. But what about her life? And what does this teach Wolf about adult relationships? The biggest problem for both you and Chipmunk is Airyn. He clearly comes across as one of the most controlling spouses I've ever read about in my almost three years of participating in this forum.

Some of my posts may have been hard for you to read, or seemed that I was misunderstanding you, but I've actually been contacted by several other members here privately about what I have written here in your thread. People have told me they would have written what I posted if I hadn't, but that simply reading your story exhausted them, wore them out, and that the situation seems like such a train wreck, no one knows exactly what to say. Please know that my "negativity" is meant to save you from disaster. I'm sorry. I do have compassion for you, but I'm just trying to shake you because it seems like you're not able to see what so many others here do see. But I won't post here anymore, if that is what you prefer.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-07-2013 at 02:31 AM.
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