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Old 02-06-2013, 09:19 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Have been keeping busy.

Visited home city, and more or less sorted out everything I needed to get done. Was very proud of myself. For once, I managed to juggle chores with socialising such that I didn't feel guilty when I was taking time out to see people, and also didn't feel stressed that I couldn't see everyone. I have many people I'm close to, and I sometimes feel spread too thinly. This time I picked a manageable number of people I wanted to see, and cut myself some slack. Phew - it felt good.

Ocean's got a job interview next month - in a different city in our home country. Sheesh, possible LDR coming up if he gets this job and decides to take it (he's unsure if he will as his current work situation is pretty good for his career, even though it isn't a permanent job.) I'm not thinking too far ahead about that. Minor freakouts but mostly calm. We'll see.

Finally got all my paperwork sorted to get my qualifications from my home country carried over to where I'm living now. Hooray! Now just have to pay the fees... I've been volunteering quite a bit here but haven't captured any paid work as yet. Trying to keep my patience, positivity and productivity. A success, in the main. Grateful that Ocean and I can still afford to make ends meet with a single income at the moment.

Starting up swimming and dance again since the holidays... my body and mind has definitely missed it.

Spent some Quality Time with Ella when I was visiting. I was camping in a tent at the back of my old house (where my friends are living now with a baby! So so cute) so we could cuddle but not be too loud. The intimacy was gentle but good. She was going away for the weekend I was there, so we didn't get much time to see each other but we stole a morning here and an evening there... It's low-key but okay.

We're not that great at keeping in touch while I'm away, though. I sense it's more her than me... I've initiated online chats a wee bit but not got very far. When we e-mail, it's usually me who sends the last message in the thread. That kind of thing. I reckon I need a bit more connection if I'm going to stay on the learning curve of Getting To Know Ella. I've been thinking of writing to her along these lines... It's okay if we don't keep in touch, but that's going to mean more work the next time [when?] we see each other.

I don't feel like I know her well enough yet, for our bodies to be uncomplicated together... something like that.

Grotto's a smidge mopey at the moment. Bijou has asked for some space, and is treating him fairly platonically these days. I feel it's possibly a seasonal thing: her scoping him out, or some other reason that could pass in time. For now, he needs a hug. Hopefully will see him tonight.

I've been spending some time with my ma the last few days, as she's visiting from overseas. Our relationship has been tough - she's very conservative Catholic and we clash a lot on topics involving sexual morality/religion. Recently we've had some good times, focusing on common interests... but there's still that tense undercurrent, an electric wire we cannot touch. I hope one day to be more open with her about my personal life, but not yet. So much is still too tender.

What else? Oh, I had this weird awful pain in my body a couple of weeks back. Not sure what it was... it's mostly gone, just a dull thing now. Some of the possibilities bode ill for my reproductive bits. I was surprised how that made me feel - panicked, sad... the foreshadowing of grief?

Ocean and I have decided to talk again about having kids in the middle of the year, when things are more certain about his job. Until then, I'd like to get more of a handle on what I really feel / want in this arena. Having spent time with friends who have children, particularly younger ones, I know the value of me being aunty - and especially an aunty who isn't drained from having kids of her own. A large part of me wants to keep it that way. The other part... requires investigation.
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