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Old 02-06-2013, 07:38 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by jooshyboy View Post
First off, I wasn't trying to downplay poly as a lifestyle, I was more describing my lifestyle in that I am committed to a poly in a monogamist way of life so to speak. If that makes sense. Did not mean to offend anyone here at all. And I appreciate your comment breakdown.
No offense taken, just wanted to give you the heads up before someone got bent out of shape.

Well put, I get better and better with this each day, knowing that she, for what she expresses to me, wants to have a different type of sexual experience with others, rather than with me.
That's a good place to keep working. Consider your own sexual desires, are they always the same? Are there ever times where, for whatever reason, are in the mood for something polar opposite to what you normally like? The vast majority of human beings are simply not flexible (figuratively or literally) enough to encompass the complete range of possible needs and wants that a partner might have. Seeking different experiences with other partners is a way to satisfy that need.

Yeah, she really appreciates me be open about it and yes, it has made her overwhelmingly happy at just the thought of being able to experiment if she wants to while being able to come back home to me. I will never be narrow minded in any aspect of life. I'm always trying to understand and adapt, and I'm willing in this regard, even though I don't want to give up in my monogamous way of life.
As I said, that's a good attitude to have and its not impossible to have a poly partner while maintaining a mono way of life for yourself as long as you're sure you're in it for the right reasons and can withstand what you may see.

It's hard to understand from a monogamist point of view, but I do. I know what she describes to me, but at the same time it is hard to adapt and be okay with it. Not that I'm mad at her at all, but it just sometimes gets me down in thinking maybe we shouldn't be together. I mean, when we first got together, this was in no way what she planned. It's just she's used to short relationships and bounced from guy to guy often, so being in a relationship as long as she has with me has definitely strayed away from what shes used to. She does want to stay committed to me above all else though so it's hard to give up on what I value as true love.
Poly is rarely in the forecast for a lot of people. For many years I was militantly monogamous and wouldnt even consider something like being poly. The transition cost me a relationship of five years and a good deal of my circle of friends but it was well worth it.

Honestly, it's a mix of both. I feel as if I don't do this, she may look back on life, even if it was with me, and regret what she could have experienced. It's not worth it to me to have what I want at the expense of what she values and she would've liked to try in her life. She has already told me that she won't leave me and doesn't want me out of her life, so I have that, it's just I can't allow myself to say, "okay, well since you're not going to leave me, let's play by my rules". Does that make sense??
It actually does, this is kind of the reverse of the situation I found myself in a few years ago when I actually became fully poly.

I managed to boil it down to a couple of key, indisputable facts (pronouns might have to be rearranged in your case).

1. I was poly.
2. That was not going to change.
3. My fiancee (at the time) was monogamous.
4. That was not going to change (though to her credit she did try).
5. Our relationship could either be open to new people or not (mono or poly).
6. If our relationship remained mono, I could accept it to begin with but eventually I would start finding myself unhappy and the relationship would crumble.
7. If our relationship went poly, my fiancee could accept it to begin with but eventually would become unhappy.

Conclusion- As much as we loved each other, we had to separate. Either path we chose, one of us was going to be unhappy. I knew it would happen with me because it was already happening at that point. I knew it would happen with her because she had tried to enter the poly world but stated verbally and through her reactions that she was fundamentally not ok with it.

It was more complicated than that due to other factors but that was one of the main pylon collapses that caused us to separate. It was incredibly painful and there's still a good deal of animosity but I felt it was better to do it now and avoid a long, unhappy relationship doomed to failure.

Thanks for your words. I'm pretty thick-skinned so I can take things pretty well in stride. One way or another. I appreciate your help.
No problem.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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