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Old 02-06-2013, 04:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
nycindie: I have read and re-read your post a few times, and have now swallowed it I think you are right that I had become a bit complacent with that realization of mine (that I have insecure-attachment patterns). I do want to transcend it, very much... I think I feel a little stuck with how to, especially because I am not even aware of conscious internal dialogue that says "oh no, he's leaving you!" or other similar things. I know I have fears like that come up in very specific situations, and I am able to critically examine them at those times. But thank you so much for your post and for pointing that out; it feels like a critical piece of feedback to have for my self-growth. Thank you!!
You're welcome. Here is how you take the first steps toward transforming the patterns of thought that keep you stuck: just give yourself some homework - and the homework is to notice such thoughts. That's all. You don't have to do anything about them except pay attention. You may find yourself wrapped up in some mental wrangling and then remember that your assignment is to notice your thoughts -so you mentally step back and review what just came to your mind. And if and when you notice a thought like, "He doesn't want me," or some such sentiment, just acknowledge it. "Oh, there's that thought again."

Don't judge the thought as negative, nor yourself for thinking it, and don't tell yourself you should get rid of that thought. Eventually it will come up again - because our minds are machines, you see, and it's like we have a built-in program that replays all our thoughts over and over again, and even replays the thoughts of the people around us because we, as human beings, are very perceptive.

Anyway, eventually, you recognize your thought pattern ("Oh, there's that thought again") but by simply recognizing it, it no longer has power over you. By recognizing it as simply a pattern in your mind/bio-computer, you now have a choice you didn't have before when you couldn't see those thoughts floating in. And the choice you have is basically whether to follow that pattern like you always did, and pay credence to it (or indulge), which gives it substance and power and puts you at its mercy OR letting it go and getting engaged in something else instead of the mental anguish. Get to work on a project on your desk, do something fun, masturbate, turn your face to the sun and feel its warmth, pet a dog, anything! Just letting your thoughts be, without judging them, and then engaging in your life ... is the key to getting free.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-06-2013 at 04:47 AM.
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