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Old 02-05-2013, 04:32 PM
jooshyboy jooshyboy is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 4

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Ok. They try to compete with you. You choose to NOT compete. She would choose... what? Egg on competition? Tell them to cut it out, that is not respectful to her other partner (you)? What?

In what way could it play out so it is a "scary feeling" way? Where she DOESN'T say anything? Is that part of it?

In what way could it play out so you can move past it? What behavior do you do? She does?
The scary feeling is that she's like a roller coaster. She wanted a committed closed relationship when we started. Then months later, needed some away time (ended up not being that much) to find out what type of person she wants to be with and what type of person she still wants to become. Then she told (she's bi) me that she felt very much like a lesbian choosing to marry a man because she can't stand being in relationships with girls for very long. Saying she enjoyed the sexual thrill with a girl more. We talked about threeways and the possibility of her being with a girl. And now she wants to be able to sleep around with other men and possibly form relationships with them. It's certainly taken a toll on me, and I just firmly can't grasp where she wants to head or what her intentions will ultimately be. But that doesn't keep me from being with her because life isn't what you think it is. It will never be, and what I learn to do is try and adapt. I have a very firm grasp on what love is, I spent a lot of time when I wasn't with another partner, thinking about being alone, being together, what aspects of having a partner outweigh those without, why I would choose to have a partner instead of being single etc. Those thoughts, those motives make it important for me to be close with my partner, and where I am now, it's just hard transitioning into what I've never ideally thought of as the way I want to live my life. Make sense?

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So this is a hard limit for you? What open relationship model do you currently share with her? You are willing to be in a 1a shape open model relationship? A 1C? But NOT 2 anythings? This would be a dealbreaker for you?

You are allowed to have your wants, needs, and limits be whatever they are. Just state them clearly to your partner so you understand each other. That could help reduce fears. Maybe you could both read that article together and discuss?
Right now, we are very open. We have great communication and we are working on finding something that will meet in the middle, that we can agree to and both be happy with. She doesn't like the fact that I'm feeling worried or the slightest bit unhappy with the situation, and has told me that she wouldn't do it if it were to make me unhappy. But I have to face the music, because I wouldn't want to be kept from living the life I felt glamorous. At the expense of a partner, I would never do it, and at least it's nice knowing that she feels the same way.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying you are doing something you are NOT really willing to do?

Or are you saying you are willing to try it on, but worried/scared because the "new normal" feels weird until it becomes "old normal" and you don't have enough confidence in the couple's ability to handle things as they come up yet because it is all too new?

I would say the latter of the two. In a perfect world I would not really be willing to do it, but I love her more than life itself. It's what makes my sacrifices worth it. The new normal is weird, it's something I'm not used to or have ever thought about being used to. I honestly don't know where things can go, but we are very verbal and I think we can handle any problem that comes our way in some way or another. Good or bad.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
And go there in the house buying committment.

"Ok, we bought a house together. Now we break up. What do we do about the house then?"

Better to have that plan and not need it than find yourselves there without a paddle. Take the bull by the horns. All of them. Talk honestly to your partner.
I'm not too worried about the house situation. I do consider it to be our home and feel she is entitled to every square inch of it that she wants, but I am purchasing it. It is my loan, my title, my name, so if things were to get fudged up, we can deal with it and find a way to keep life's wheels spinning. I can afford it on my own, so I know I won't be screwed so to say.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It is not possible (nor should you try) to predict everything Life could throw your way. But you could pin down the top 5 on your mind, and focus on HOW to weather whatever else comes along together. Not the WHAT happens. But HOW. How you will do your couple conflict resolution, HOW you agree to treat each other in times of good emotional weather and in times of bad emotional weather so that you can both weather whatever it is out together.
Loved that ending. Yeah, it's impossible to predict anything and I find it pointless to try and put anybody in a certain category. Different strokes for different folks. The very point you make is why I'm here. I don't want to focus on what happens, because I can never know. I don't have special powers and nor does anyone else. What I do have are resources, my knowledge and communication to help me weather any storm. I go day to day and if that means I am on this forum seeking help from kind people such as yourself today, then so be it. If it's listening to music, contemplating my life decisions, talking with my partner then so be it. This alone, typing out my thoughts for others to see is very therapeutic for me. The fact that I get some sort of response puts my mind at ease, because this isn't just any one person's problem. It happens a lot. I appreciate your comments and links to helpful slides. You are a helpful individual and your time was not wasted.

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