Tuesday, January 29th: part 2
Airyn comes home with Wolf, and stands by me talking. He asked what happened, what I said and why I'm upset. Then asks if we can talk in the bedroom, so I get up and follow him. We walk into the bedroom, and Chipmunk stomps out of the room. Airyn trys talking to her as she heads out, but can't get a word in.
Airyn: Whats the matter with you two. Was my letter that bad?
Me: No, it wasn't bad.
Airyn: You two were supposed to talk.
Me It takes two people to talk, and Chipmunk wasn't about to start any conversation, so I said what I had to say and left the room. I've spent the whole time crying in the kitchen, and she had nothing to say and never left the bedroom.
Airyn: Well what did you say.
So I tell him what I said. He's frustrated.
Airyn: This is why I don't talk about how I feel, you don't care. How did my letter to you guys telling you how I feel become all about you.
Me: Because you are still telling me to be her friend Airyn. It takes two people for that, and she has made no attempts to meet me half way. I told you on Sunday that I'd rather be monoamorus with you then continue to live like this, and you tell me to be her friend. In the poly community All she and I have to do is be respectful, and cordial to each other. At this point that is my goal and I feel I have done a pretty good job at that. I can't give you any more then that.
Airyn talks more about me not caring about how he feels, to which I tell him that if that were the case then I'd have put Chipmunk out, or made them end their relationship back in October. Or at the latest November when I told him I was done. He's has a some what shocked look on his face.
I tell Airyn that the level of intimacy that is ok between the three of us has been going backwards because i have been pulling away from it slowly. That I was trying to be care of how they felt about each other, that I really don't want to hurt the two of them. I just don't see any oint to my being intimate with Chipmunk, or my being ok with intimate things between Airyn and Chipmunk when they aren't ok with those same thing between he and I. I tell him that If I didn't care about how he felt I'd have cut everything off at once and not be careful, and delicate about it.
We talk calmly for a while, and then he tells me he has to go talk to Chipmunk. I tell him I'm getting into bed, but that It will be hard to fall a sleep now.
Airyn goes and talks with Chipmunk for a long while. When he comes in I'm in tears again, and we talk some more. He starts by telling me what Chipmunk told him.
Airyn: So you had already read my letter?
Airyn: that's not fair.
Me: *angry look at Airyn* A lot of things aren't fair.
Airyn: Chipmunk tells me you said you aren't ok with her being my girl friend.
Me: *looking confused* I never said that. I never talked about your relationship with her. I only talked about my relationship with you, and my relationship with her like I told you before. If she read more into it then what I said that's on her. She could have decided to come talk to me.
Airyn: She wanted to talk, but she doesn't know what to say.
Me: She never does. Every time she and I have talked it has been me talking, her listening and only answering when she HAS too.
Airyn: yeah, she does a lot of listening.
Me: I said what I had to say, and walked away so she could think. I knew she wouldn't be the first one to say something. I knew that if anything was going to be said, if any one was going to speak up it would have to be me, or nothing at all.
He tells me I'm giving him mixed messages that I tell him I don't want to live with him and Chipmunk, and that I'm willing to consider it. I tell him that I'm done with all of it then we talk about her having her own place in our home. I tell him that I am done with it, it him who isn't done. That I have never agreed to moving into a new place with the two of them. I tell him I was willing to consider it for his sake, but I've had enough. It time for him to figure it out. If he wants her to live with me then he has to end their relationship and she can stay, or he can keep her as a girlfriend and move her out. I tell him that the problem isn't so much Chipmunk, it's him. The problem has always boiled down to how he has treated me during this whole thing. That If he and I had been a couple, and he had been considerate of me that maybe I'd feel differently, but it's too late for that now. I have no interest in trying to make this work any more. That I want to be Mono with him so I can heal, so things can get better for us.
He tells me that if he moves her out I still won't get to be mono with him. I tell him I know that. I tell him it's what I want, but it's not what he wants. That because they love each other it's just not realistic to expect that. But it's time he start hearing what I'm saying and understanding me. I tell him I've been telling him this for months he just hasn't been willing to listen.
Me: Airyn you haven't been here for me in months, I've needed you and you haven't been here. You've not been available for me. You've listened to what I say, and what I tell you, and what I ask for, then you go off and do what ever, and don't think how your actions will affect me. Like at the gay club you were supposed to be there for me and still be a couple with Chipmunk, but instead you two shut me out. I needed you and you weren't there for me. You were to busy being happy that Chipmunk wasn't hanging all over some stranger.
Airyn: You think I know what I'm doing? I'm new at this.
Me: That worked in the begining, but after 6 month being "new" isn't an excuse any more. You have resource you can learn from. Tell me have you read any of the forums I've sent you? Have you learned anything from them?
Airyn: I've read a little, but no I didn't learn anything.
Me: Then you didn't really read anything. You told me you would do some reading on the forums like I've been asking during the 5 weeks you had off from school. You chose not to, that's not you being "new" that's you not careing about what I'm telling you, and how I feel. I've not been happy here, and I don't see that changing.
Airyn: Everything will work better once Chipmunk has her own room.
Me: Right, her having her own room will magically make her not jealous, or moody, or emotional during our time together?
Airyn you can't even touch me when she's home, you or her or both of you are uncomfortable with you and I being intimate when she around. If that's how it still is then WHY would I want her around?
If you and I can't hold hand, kiss, hug, flirt, be a couple, or have sex when she is here then WHY would I want her here?
Me: When was the last time we woke up with complete privacy in the bedroom?
It's been over a month. How about you and Chipmunk? Last week, ok so you came to the living room right away, but you woke up with complete privacy, and you two have had that several times a week for months till I decided that I was done being moved to the living room all the time.
Tell me Airyn when was the last time we woke up to good morning sex? or had bedtime sex?, when was the last time we went to bed at 2am only to stay awake together till 6am? Not since Chipmunk moved in. If we can't be together when she is here WHY would I want her here. If you can't be close and intimate, and flirty with me when she's here then she has to get out.
Me: I would rather miss you 2-3 days a week while you stay at her place then be this unhappy all the time. It would be easier for me, then having to watch the intimacy between you two and not have the same available between us.
Airyn doesn't say much, he just listens, gives me kisses, and tells me to try to sleep that he's going to go talk to Chipmunk some more. He tells me he'll talk to her about moving out.
He leaves, and I can't sleep. After a while I get up and get some ice water. Wolf is on her computer, but I don't see Airyn and Chipmunk, they are probably in Chipmunk's curtained off space. Back to bed (with my water), and still can't sleep. A couple hours later and I give up, head to the kitchen to get a tall shot of vodka. It's been hours since I ate, and alcohol works to slow my mind so I can fall a sleep. When I walk in Airyn and Chipmunk are talking quietly, Airyn kinda laughs at me when I make a face at him and grab the vodka from the freezer. He tells me I better hurry up and fall a sleep, "Chop chop you have 30 mins!" ha ha very funny. But I do leave grinning.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married