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Old 01-04-2010, 01:31 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
There are some people who see monogamy as a default, and it (in my eyes) taints their relationships.
That's certainly true. And there are also a lot of people who don't see it that way.

But that bothers some of my mono friends. To them, sex and love are so tightly tied to the "default" of monogamy that my very presence threatens them, or more so, makes them face their own insecurities.
And I have plenty of mono friends who are not bothered by such things yet are still very monogamous. They are not threatened by polyamory and have healthy thriving monogamous relationships.

But shortly after that discussion, the male friend of that couple became a bit guarded. To him, the idea that I don't INSTINCTIVELY cap the possibility of my relationship makes him feel threatened. This is an issue, since he's feeling insecure and that's not a poly/mono thing, but the reason behind triggering his insecurity DOES fall into the area I would consider "a value difference" between monogamy and polyamory.
I'm going to disagree there. I would tend to think that the reason behind the triggering is a lack of understanding of a perspective that is very different from his. I don't see a fundamental value at play in that situation. As I said earlier, I know plenty of people who identify as monogamous or live monogamously who do not feel threatened by relationship styles that don't resemble theirs. Does this fact mean that they must not holding to some monogamous value because they don't experience this?

I would generally think no. I don't know of any value tied to monogamy that involves being closed-minded or threatened by other relationship styles or any monogamous value that would lead to such feelings. Now it could very well be that there are a lot of closed-minded people who are threatened by other relationship styles who happen to be monogamous, but it is not some monogamous value that makes them so. It could be that their closed-mindedness results in them considering monogamy as the only way and causing them to dismiss or be threatened by any alternative relationship style, but that is not their monogamy that causes that.
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