View Single Post
Old 02-05-2013, 04:00 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,709

As I understand it, a DADT arrangement means that a person in a committed partnership has other lovers who he or she sees totally in secret. Their partner wants to be blissfully ignorant of any liaisons and pretends they are completely monogamous. They usually say, "Do what you want, but I don't want to know about it. Make sure I don't find out, and make sure no one else finds out. If anyone we know even suspects you are with someone else, we are through." And so, it's basically an ultimatum that forces the person to act like a cheater, and the only way they are allowed to have another relationship is if it is kept completely under wraps. Trysts with lovers get cancelled and swept aside whenever the partner needs them, and no excuse is accepted. That is DADT. I have been approached by several men who had that kind of arrangement, and I chose not to get involved. No way do I want to be someone's dirty secret.

Not divulging details about lovers or sexual practices to a partner who knows and consents that you have other lovers is not DADT. That's usually just about respecting someone's privacy or discomfort with sharing details. Additionally, there are plenty of people who are in poly situations and do not know their metamours at all. It is not a requirement to know and befriend your lover's lovers. That doesn't mean that the relationships are completely unacknowledged.

DADT is a totally different thing. DADT is all pretense.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-05-2013 at 04:13 AM.
Reply With Quote