Thread: Need advice
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Old 02-05-2013, 03:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,220

It has also been her choice if she wanted to swing or not. She has maintained that she wants to live a swing lifestyle, and also states that she does it only because of me. I get conflicting messages constantly. I do believe that she's confused about exactly what she wants.
She seems clear in her post that she is willing to stop swinging. That she wants most is this stuff resolved:
  • He will not listen to me.
  • He remains angry at me and is constantly bringing everything up, rehashing things, questioning my motives and my fidelity to him.
  • I am so frustrated and I cry all the time now. I can't function.
  • I want our marriage to work! But I can't get through to my husband!

That sounds pretty clear to me.

But if she gives you mixed messages, you could choose to not press on with pursuing extra relationships until you are both are clear. Each one is responsible for your own best individual healths -- physical health, emotional health, mental health, spiritual health. You are not caring for you well if you carry forward with a mixed message. You risk a ding.

You are BOTH responsible for tending the shared marriage and the health of the shared marriage. If one partner or both partners go forward with extra relationships without stopping to be sure all in the shared marriage are clear on the mission, their wants/needs/limits are considered, or checking to be sure there's a plan if/when feelings change... and the marriage suffers a ding as a result? It's on BOTH partners for not looking after the marriage well.

You both are suffering here, the marriage is suffering here. You both could choose to move it forward in healthier ways so you don't have to suffer like this.

I just don't want her to have any level of emotional connection with other men. That's it. I want to be her sole source for emotional support.
Ok. That is what YOU want in an Open Marriage. Is she willing to go there? Does it take her own wants into consideration? What does SHE want in an Open Marriage? Do both your wants and her wants pass SMART criteria?
  • Specific?
  • Measurable?
  • Attainable?
  • Realistic?
  • Timely

Are your Open Marriage agreements mutually satisfactory and something you both can honor?

If you cannot agree on what you both want in an Open marriage, can you agree on the parameters for a Closed Marriage? Would it serve the marriage better to Close and end the swinging then?

The lying to cover this up is what has made me feel so insecure.
Why could she not truth it to you? Why is she not able to come to you and honestly say "Can we talk about this limit? Because it is hard for me to realistically keep. My needs have changed." Or is she telling and you are not listening?

How will be partners behave toward each other from this point on? Is honest communication going to be part of your relationship agreement moving forward?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2013 at 08:29 AM.
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