Right now she is torn between deciding between the both of us.
Ok... So everyone enters this trio thing with the understanding of "my girlfriend and I are primary partners and he would be a casual dating thing - secondary."
They try it out. Conclusions:
- SHE wants to break up because the sex is not that good.
- HE confesses he is not able to have sex with her because he has deep feelings and cannot deal with "casual sex dating thing -- secondary."
She continues to date him instead of breaking up as originally planned because...
- She wants to have great sex and/or deep feelings with him?
- She no longer wants to be in a primary-secondary open relationship model? (Wants co primary? Monoship? Something else?)
- It's easier to be in NRE pink fluffy lala clouds than deal with relationship realities with you (The 2 year mark is past NRE point on this side of the V.) Is she an NRE junkie?
What are her wants, needs, and limits at this time?
Your wants, needs, and limits?
His? Is he wanting a monoship model or a co-primary model?
On our end, we have been having some issues (I need to work on being more romantic and less controlling). We both agree that these are valid issues and want to work on them. However, our concern (and we have discussed this openly) is that her romantic attraction towards him will prevent us from giving it a genuine chance
...because she's spending more of her TIME over there with him? And not enough TIME over here working on the relationship issues on this side of things? Is this what you meant?
If so, you could ask GF to tell you where she is at? Something like...
"I see you have NRE stuff going on, GF. I am willing to share, but I need responsiveness. Over on our side of things, what behavior can I expect from you over the next chunk of time in dealing with our problems and moving that forward?"
Then could she just TELL you where she's at? Pick one?
- "Yes. I will devote TIME over here to work on our issues. Best times for me are (give dates/times). What are your best times? Let's pick the best times that work for both and get it on calendar and make a commitment to dealing with our problems."
- "Yes. I want to devote TIME over here to work on our issues. At this point in time I am not sure what those times are. I need time to think. I will get back to you on some possible dates by ___(give check in time__."
- "Maybe? I say want to devote TIME over here. But my actions are not matching my talk yet. Not looking likely to change in the near future because I don't know what I want/I do not prioritize well. We probably better talk. Where is your time limit at for responsiveness from me? By when do you need a final check in from me? Then you are not waiting in limbo for me to get on with the plan."
- "No. I already know I do not want to devote TIME here. I just have not told you. We better talk. So you are not stuck in limbo."
Or maybe it it something in between those somewhere. Whatever the case -- just ask her where she is at.
You state your wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.
She states her wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.
He states his wants, needs, and limits for this next chunk of time.
See what works out and what doesn't so you can all come to understanding of where you are all at now. Everyone can move forward then. In whatever configuration serves needs best -- together, apart, mix and match, etc.