Thread: Need advice
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Old 02-05-2013, 01:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,091

So here we are. I went into this with the thought that this was going to be simple hookups where we could feed off the energy of these encounters and enhance our own sexual experience. In my opinion she became obssesed with 2 men in particular that gave her a lot of attention. Maybe I was naive to think this could be uncomplicated and move on from experience to experience.

Well, it sounds like you were wanting a (1A) model. ( Source for quotes here.)

a) Heterosexual couples who are "swingers." They attend sex parties or meet sexual partners through personals ads or through various activities and networks. Some couples only have sex with other couples, others engage in three-way sex by locating another man for the woman or another woman for the man, and only have sexual adventures with their spouse present. Other straight couples allow either spouse to have recreational sex with other partners without the spouse present, but this is strictly sex and no emotional involvement or commitment is allowed.
But it doesn't sound like the couple made the plan for dealing with the "cons" to that model and prepared themselves for that possibility.

This model is popular because it is the model most similar to traditional marriage and does not threaten the primacy of the couple. For most married or co-habiting couples, it is not such a stretch to have a few outside relationships as long as they know that the primary commitment is to the marriage. They can still be married, have children, live together, be socially acceptable, and "live a normal life", keeping their outside relationships secret from friends and family. It doesn't require making any radical changes in your lifestyle or your world view. One major benefit for many couples is that they feel secure that they won't be abandoned, because their spouse has agreed that outside relationships will be secondary. This is simpler and easier to organize logistically than other forms of open relationships. If there is any conflict over time, loyalty or commitment, the spouse always gets priority.

However, a major drawback of this model is that outside relationships are not so simple or easy to predict or control. Having a sexual relationship with someone else often leads to becoming emotionally involved and even falling in love, frequently causing a crisis in the primary relationship and even divorce. Initiating a sexual relationship is opening a door to many possibilities, and often secondary relationships grow into something else which does not fit neatly into the confines of this model. Many people who become "secondary" lovers become angry at being subjugated to the couple, and demand equality or end the relationship. For this model to be successful, couples must be very convinced that their relationship is strong enough to weather these ups and downs. Conversely, some couples who start with this model decide eventually to shift to some form of the Multiple Primary Partners model to allow secondary relationships to become equal to the primary couple relationship.
I'm interested in hearing your opinions. Am I just paranoid and jealous which is what she thinks?
You sound like you could be. Are you? Does anything here help or ring a bell?

Are you confident and strong in your marriage/relationship with your wife? Can you both trust? Feel secure? If not -- it's going to be weird.

Things like "constant looking over your shoulder" because you do not trust the partner to behave in trustworthy ways. Or trying to "restrict/control the partner" because you do not trust the partner to restrict/control themselves enough to honor the shared relationship agreements and create safe space for you in the marriage.

What ARE your shared relationship agreements? What's the personal standard you both created together for yourselves and will honor and each hold yourselves accountable to?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2013 at 01:28 AM.
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