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Old 02-05-2013, 12:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I reiterate that my main goal is to work this all out. I am committed to that and appreciate everyone's views and opinions.
That is your goal. Is that his goal too? And you both want to try to work it out in what way? What are your proposed solutions? What are his proposed solutions?

What was both of your reactions to reading

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

together? Anything useful there?

The tactics list? Anything useful there?

http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/u...urphy-2010.pdf

Because you cannot solve behaviors and change them if you are not willing to talk about them and identify them. Maybe you read both things and nothing rings a bell. That's great. You know what it is NOT, and that could be reassuring to both. That's half way there -- now on to finding what it IS.

I'm certainly not wishing you to be mistreated or abused. But if BEHAVIORS you guys choose to do to each other are less than trustworthy, sound controlling, sound "off" in some fashion... gotta be willing to acknowledge that it could be seen as "off" by other people even if that is hard to do.

I am not there. I am not in this relationship. If I were? Some of this stuff would make me go "ACK!" and raise red flags. You also see it is "off" otherwise you would not bother to post to begin with. Maybe it isn't loud enough volume for you to raise a red flag -- but you are at least raising some color flag. It does not sound like a green "all is good to go here!" kind of flag.

That's all I'm saying.

Quote:
I'm saying that YOU need to be honest with yourself about what's going on and what you personally can change. You can't change him. You can't change his behaviors nor how he communicates. IF he changes, great, but all you can do is make the best decisions possible for YOURSELF, YOUR health (both mental and physical), and your child.
I have to agree with ThatGirlInGray. I don't know either of you, so I'm not trying to be mean here. In his post he sounds a touch controlling too. So why is he not "secure" with your marriage?

Now "lying and no barrier sex" on your end was not cool (if this is how it played out. You do not mention this in your own post.) That kind of behavior does not cultivate an environment of "Trust" and "Secure" for the marriage. Have there been other things you do not mention? That would lead to him being nervous and controlling in the marriage because trust is shaky?

But what about before that? Why lie about it to begin with? Was it because he himself doesn't create an environment of "trust and secure" for you? Because he keeps asking you to cut off communication with lovers you enjoy? If you find another one that you enjoy, he is going to do what? Ask you to cut them out too? Is this the expectation/agreement in the marriage regarding "outside lovers?"

Could you both find a better way to create an environment of "trust and secure" for each other in the marriage with a counselor's aid?

Are you guys finding that he's more up for "swinging" and you are more up for "polyamory" in your open relationship model?

What model are you guys wanting to be in? What are the expectations of each other in that model? Of yourselves? Are these things reasonable and realistic? Doable?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-05-2013 at 01:09 AM.
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