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Old 02-04-2013, 09:36 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I looked at one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others of yours. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:
Yes this was very accurate. I am somewhat embarrassed by those old messages as it was a perfect example of how not to enter into a poly relationship.
In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around your wife being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most. How did therapy work out? Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness? Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and your wife to have additional partners?
I did see a therapist who specialized in open relationships. It helped somewhat but like marriage counseling got to a point I didn't feel like it was helping. When I ended everything (poly) I was very insecure over many things. My wife's feeling for someones else, hurting others etc. but I have moved past this. I am at the point where I have overcome a lot of these emotions that prohibited being poly. I feel confortable where I am in life and my relationship with my wife has gotten better. We are really great friends with the other couple. Example my wife had emergency surgery while I was out of town and they were there to help. I suffer from anxiety and panic and my OSO has been so sweet and helpful (something my wife hasn't been) with this I feel so blessed I have her in my life. It gets really bad sometimes with nervous breakdowns and to have another person who understands and cares is so helpful words cannot explain.

I am someone who always questions the status quo. I really do believe in being poly and the invalid emotions that get in the way are due to being pre-programmed a certain way. I am open minded so yes I do consider having a relationship again.

I have also gotten more comfortable with my wife's OSO. He is a good guy and respect him. We get along but we are different but that's ok. I do not view him as a threat whatsoever.

Also, was there a reason why you and your wife decide it had to be a quad? Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?
No particular reason other than we are both SUPER compatible with our OSO's. My wife and I are less compatible but certainly not incompatible. Been married 14 years so there you go. It can be summed up like this. Both marriages feature an introvert married to an extrovert. Match us up with our OSO and there you go.

At this time I don't think my wife is so up for being open after the fiasco that I put up. Especially not with someone new. Mostly this is because if she was going to enjoy someone else she would like it to be him.

And FWIW, I don't think it's weird or odd that your best friend with whom you had an emotional affair turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were just more attracted to her mind and her personality and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over your wife having sex with someone other than you - and liking it? - was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to your lover. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?
Yes this certainly played a roll. However the strange thing is that I do feel like "boinking" her sometimes. My wife is incredibly gorgeous. 5.1, 95lbs, long flowing hair and sex is good but she has never been a super sexual person. My libido is FAR above hers. I could have sex with her 3x a day. However not so much with my OSO.

I wonder if it's just natural that when my hormones start raging that it's instinct to want to be physical with my OSO since 1) it would be allowed and 2) She is available and willing and 3) It's super fun from a mental standpoint? and a little from physical.

So this is really confusing for me. However I will continue to search within because I believe in questioning what a "relationship" and "marriage" truly means.
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