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Old 02-04-2013, 09:23 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Default One step forward onto the banana peel

Looking back, I think the Pidgie said and did everything she could to try to help me get over the lies. It was a lot of old baggage I was toting around, having been lied to and cheated on in the past. It was also the realization that as close as I thought we were, she was so able to deceive me. I wouldn't have thought that was possible, but since it clearly was, I had to face the fact that if she chose to lie to me again, I'd probably not see through it the next time either. I'd had enough of being in relationships where the primary focus was playing a private dectective to know what was happening in my own life, and I wasn't able to face doing it again.

We spent the next 9 months dealing with my lack of trust. Finally, after I was literally starting to die from kidney problems, I moved out of MD Guy's house and moved in with the Pidge. She had finally managed to move the Banshee out, and her divorce was in the final stages. It was a pretty awful time. My daughter had a miscarriage, I was recovering from 2 kidney surgeries, the Banshee was up to every nasty trick she could think of to punish the Pidge for having divorced her...I just couldn't cope with my own suspicions and doubts and told the Pidge that since I couldn't stop her from seeing other people, the only option I saw was to open up the relationship. That way, if she chose to date other people, whatever it was, it wouldn't be cheating, and she'd have no reason to lie. I told her that we were both free to see other people. She was sad, but agreed, and told me again she didn't intend to date anyone else.

Looking back, I can see it wasn't a choice we made together, to move forward into an open relationship to make ourselves happier. It was my choice, made only to get that sense of impending doom to stop hanging over my head. I just couldn't face another revelation of lies, and I couldn't stop loving her. At the time, it seemed like a very unhappy truth on top of our already massive pile of unhappy things. It was also a choice I had never made in a relationship before.
Although I had always outwardly stated that I wanted to be monogomous, the fact was that when I was unhappy I either set about looking for a new person to replace the old, or I tried to micromanage and control my partner in order to keep them from finding someone new. Looking back, I can see that it truly never crossed my mind to try to fix problems by being open and honest. that's just sad and wrong.
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