Thread: Need advice
View Single Post
Old 02-04-2013, 06:13 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by mrblueeyesxxx View Post
She was reluctant initially but we soon jumped in and had some fun.
I was reluctant... I felt reassured and agreed that I'd like to try for a baby.
After 6 years of periodic discussion, she finally agreed to give it a shot again.
She reluctantly agreed but then soon found that she was very attracted to them.
I can't tell from your side of the story whether you thought you were negotiating or whether you realized you were pushing her, justifying it in your mind by saying "Well, I'm right, she always ends up having fun". From your wife's side of the story it seems she felt very pressured by you. But then it seems she did the same thing to you, pressuring you about having a child until she said the things that would get you to agree (i.e. that she would continue to be interested in swinging/being watched). Now, perhaps she did honestly feel that way at the time and was not intending to be manipulative. I can't know, and frankly I doubt you can either, since even though you were there you weren't in her head. Either way it seems like you were not prepared for the fact that EVERYTHING changes after having a child and someone who has never had a child can't understand in advance how their lives will change.

The third time they met, my wife did not come home that night. She said it was late, had been drinking and was going to stay the night in the hotel room. She assured me that he had left. When she came home in the morning, I found that my wife lied about the encounter. She lied and said they used protection and then she confessed that they didn't. She had deleted all of her texts with him. I pressed about if he really left that night and she maintained that he did. I remain suspicious because when I talked to her that night she said he already left. She was very short with me on the phone, talked in very general terms, said she was tired and was going to bed.

We cut it off with him after that. She said she'd find someone else as we liked the lifestyle. Again, she could not find anyone and we stayed on hold. His name kept coming back up and eventually she would resume her texting, chatting and meet ups with him until I eventually voiced my concern and she stopped.

Towards the end of this episode, she met another guy whom she began hooking up with. I was never present for any of there encounters. She met him fairly regular as he lived fairly close to us. I later discovered that she had been googling him, looking for pictures online of him, and reading anything she could online about him. I discovered this and cut off that relationship.
Lying is not good, no question there, but I wonder about WHY she lied. Have you two discussed that aspect? Also I'm not sure what was wrong with her googling him- what was it that you objected to so strenuously?Saying you "cut off that relationship" leads me to wonder how controlling you are, especially with how many examples your post gives about times where you wife did something or stopped doing something based on what YOU wanted. How often do the two of you actually reach a compromise you're both content with? Or is just one person badgering the other until someone "wins"?

I went into this with the thought that this was going to be simple hookups where we could feed off the energy of these encounters and enhance our own sexual experience. In my opinion she became obssesed with 2 men in particular that gave her a lot of attention. Maybe I was naive to think this could be uncomplicated and move on from experience to experience.
Possibly naive. Some people successfully navigate swinging, but often once sex is involved feelings can follow. This can be especially true for women, from what I've read and experienced, and it's basically impossible to enforce a rule that says, "Thou shalt not develop feelings for someone." So while you may have entered into this wanting and expecting one thing, you now need to deal with the reality that it is not what you expected and apparently not what you want.

I'm interested in hearing your opinions. Am I just paranoid and jealous which is what she thinks?
I don't know, are you jealous? If so, of what? Of the time and attention she's spending on these other people? Of the fact that you don't get to watch her with these people? As far as paranoia goes, I haven't seen you say anything about being afraid she'll leave you. Are you? It's difficult to tell if you're paranoid if you aren't talking about how you feel about what's been going on, only what actions were taken. I would certainly understand not trusting her after she lied and needing time to rebuild that trust, but it doesn't sound like either of you are willing to take a break from the lifestyle long enough to repair your relationship.

I would say that both of you need to do some significant thinking about what you NEED from your relationship and what you WANT from your relationship and then see where those needs and wants intersect and where they don't. And then figure out if there's enough compatibility for compromise to be reached.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote