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Old 02-04-2013, 06:33 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
My question is how can someone learn these communication skills necessary to have the types of relationships a lot of you have?
Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
Today I tried to communicate something to someone I love, something I knew would upset them, something "Not Nice". It's taken me a year and a half to be able to even bring the topic up.
I'm wondering how that went for you? Was it a good conversation? I take she didn't flee, nor collapse, nor break up...yes?

Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
Where did you learn to communicate? Have any of you had to overcome entire lifetimes of conditioning in order to have the type of love in your life that you want?
Why yes, I have. I so appreciate the question! I get really frustrated, because almost all the people in my life now, did not know me when I was really nutty. Most of them don't believe I was ever that dysfunctional.

My conditioning was not quite as oppressive as yours; but my family was seriously fucked up. I was molested by family members and strangers for years. My parents were obsessively involved with each other, I had one therapist say she thought I suffered from what is called benign neglect. I had food, and clothing, and shelter, but not so much nurturance. I spent way too much time alone in my room. (I was an only child, until they divorced and married other people with children)

Somehow, I got the idea in my head that other people were happy (and functional) and that if I could just figure out what they knew, then I could be happy too.

So I did every thing I could get my hands on to help. I did free workshops. I did therapy when I could afford it. I read every self-help book I could get my hands on. I did fellowships. I talked to strangers until I was tired of telling my stories (and that took a long damn time) Literally, anything that sounded like it might help, I did it. NLP, rebirthing, massage, rolfing, Esalen, meditation, internet (once that came along - my first support group was newsgroups in tin), I'm sure there are more.

And eventually, I got better. And then some more, and then some more. I'm not all better, I'm certainly not fixed. But I've mostly stopped seeing myself as broken.

I'm also wondering if something that might be useful to you would be ... crap, I don't know what it's called. The therapy that helps you learn to tolerate anxiety in small bits. desensitization, that's it. It can help you learn to tolerate your own anxiety, and other's anxieties.

I'm encouraged to see you undertaking this journey!
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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