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Old 02-03-2013, 07:11 PM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 278

Originally Posted by jooshyboy View Post
Hey everyone,

I'm definitely new to this lifestyle and really haven't begun it yet. I figure that bouncing ideas off others and having someone else (besides my partner) to talk to about my feelings and emotions may be therapeutic for me.
Ahoy-hoy, welcome to the 'hood.

A point of order (this may be considered picky by some but I feel like its important), calling poly a "lifestyle" can be taken as somewhat of a put-down the same way saying a gay person lives the "gay lifestyle." It it has transient, trendy connotations that dont jive too well with a lot of people who are poly. Its a way of life, at least I feel like it is.

When we started our relationship, I was sort of intimidated because I felt I would be inadequate to the needs that she holds important. Not saying that I'm bad in bed, but I am definitely not as experienced as her. I found out that I was wrong in my thoughts. She very much enjoys our sexual encounters, as do I and we are always working on improving them as well.
That's pretty common. Most of us menfolk like to think we have the "magic dick" and are the best our respective partners have experienced. It gets ignored pretty frequently that there is a wide variety in terms of lovers rather than a strict rating system. Yay patriarchy!

But this is just background info. There is a lot more that goes into our relationship, and it is definitely different from many others (not just in the poly/mono sense). To get to my point though, she has expressed to me her interest in having more sexual encounters, more playing, more games etc with others. From a monogamist standpoint, and especially at first, for a relationship to feel so great and for things to be going in strides in the right direction, it's hard for me to see her want to be with someone else. We have made some serious compromises though and have been very open with each other communication wise, so I feel the true trust I have with her is pure and won't fade. I just want to be able to communicate to her how I feel in this regard. It means so much to me that she gets what she wants out of life, but at the same time, I don't want to risk what we have with one another.
Good place to start from. She's very lucky in that you're as open minded as you present. A lot of other people have run into monogamous partners who cant/wont understand their point of view and react...very negatively.

I'm afraid some guy/girl might come along and attempt to compete with me. That's honestly my biggest fear. The sexual encounters are one thing, still difficult to process now, but it's that fear that she'll want to fall in love with someone else and I will part of this triangle. Not to say that I have anything against the practice, but it's just not how I want to live my life. I don't want to have doubts about our life, because I see her as my life partner, and I don't regret any instance that we have had.
A reasonable fear considering your point of view. When someone who is poly or who just loves multiple people, they dont love one at the expense of others. In a solid poly relationship, everybody adds to it and endeavor to cooperate rather than compete. If someone is attempting to nudge you out, that's not someone who wants a constructive relationship and should prompt a discussion with your lady friend.

She is everything to me and I have to let her fly in the way she was intended. She comes home very happy and has expressed that she hasn't loved me more than she has now, given that I have sort of allowed this to occur. I'm just a sucker when it comes to being alone, especially if she's out and about and I'm not sure where she is. I want to know that she is safe and secure, even if it's with someone else at the time.
Are you doing this because you're actually taking happiness from her happiness or because you're afraid if you don't, she'll leave?

So I just need some similar stories, advice, tips, or ideas of dealing with this. I have told her that I will allow it, and we have established our rules which is very reassuring, but I just need a community to help me understand and chat with from time to time. Given that we are just about to make a huge commitment to one another by buying a home, I just want to make sure we are both happy with one another and aren't going to be broken down because of this down the road. I don't want to let it happen, but at this point, I'm just afraid of the worst case scenarios.. They always seem to creep their way in.
That's what this place is good for. There's a wealth of experience to draw on. I'm kind of the resident dickhead, everybody else is pretty nice.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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