Originally Posted by target
Anyway, I would really love some advice on how other people have grown to respect their partner's partner. Did it come naturally, or did you have to actively work at it? If so, what did you do? Did you ever have to deal with someone who isn't often truthful? If so, how did you handle that?
I can't think of a single person in my life that I have ever grown to respect, metamour or otherwise. Actually that's not 100% true. My step-daughter has matured as she passed into adulthood and thereby earned my respect... But the key there is that SHE changed. I did not "grow" to respect her for the same stupid shit she was doing when she was a typical 16 yo. She stopped doing the stupid adolescent shit, and started doing grown-up stuff that deserves respect.
Lying is disrespectful. Why would you choose to grow to respect someone who disrespects you?
I have had to deal with compulsive liars, and I do it by believing nothing that comes out of their mouths and exposing myself to them as little as possible.
I don't think you should try to respect her. Your bf has rose coloured glasses with her, he has emotional reasons to look past her dishonesty. You don't. I would simply tell him, "Honesty is an important value to me. I can't control whom you date, but I have the right to limit my exposure to someone who disrespects me by lying to me. I will not grow closer to her, and I need you to accept that."
I get really irritated by these people who pressure their partners to be friends. It's selfish. It's one thing for him to wish for it, but quite another to try and force you to do something you're not comfortable with.
The last point I'll make is that there's a difference between "showing respect" and "having respect." I've had to work under people who were complete dicks. Office politics dictate that you can't just be rude to them, even if they're dicks. So I would "show respect" in the work place... but I did not "have respect" for them. So in your situation, the grown-up thing is to behave respectfully around her. But that doesn't mean you have to be sincere.