A Polyvirgin Story
Yes, I'm a polyvirgin who wishes I had had the bandwidth for poly years ago...
Here's my story:
Once upon a time, there was a girl who was met a very special boy. They developed a friendship and sexship. They lived in different counties but thank God for public transportation! They were 14 and 15. Now they are over 40 and still intimately connected emotionally, though not sexually or frequently in touch.
Between 14 and 40, the girl fell for another -- the love of her life -- only to discover that they wanted different things. She wanted a family with shared childrearing. He wanted to hire a nanny. Their relationship ended. She was heartbroken and took solace in dating.
She met another man who set off fireworks when he touched her. Within a month of meeting, she became pregnant. She decided to have the baby. The baby daddy proposed. They married and had a family. They were monogamous.
In life after giving birth, she suggested that the baby daddy take on a lover. She was "touched out" and didn't want to deprive her husband of meeting his sexual needs. He never took the offer seriously. Meanwhile, she dreamt of her former love of her life and was still emotionally occupied with him, even if they did not have contact. The ex love of her life haunted her heart.
She did her best to build a fence around her heart to keep the ex out. She sensed the baby daddy did not feel comfortable with her being friends with the ex. She honored her commitment to her husband.
Years later, the ex reaches out to her for some professional support and the haunting of her heart begins again...or maybe it never left...
Polyamory becomes a recurrent thought for her -- a question -- could this be a possibility? Is it possible to have a primary relationship with her husband and be a hinge in a vee with the ex? Or is this waaaay too complicated for a polyvirgin? The ex may or may not be interested in anything but a professional relationship. Also, he has married. But she cannot help but wonder if the request for professional support is an excuse to stay somehow connected...?
The husband is very traditional monogamous, raised Catholic, probably chose to marry out of a deep sense of responsibility as much as any other reason. He is also sensitive and broaching the subject of polyamory would be delicate and difficult terrain to travel well...
I can only think about my regret -- that I hadn't considered polyamory earlier in life -- as a way to remain true, open and honest about my feelings for the relationships in my life.
All 3 of the men I mention hold a special place in my heart. Different reasons, different seasons, but it is occurring to me that the only reason I have only one actively in my life is cultural convention. And, I suppose, convenience.
I guess I am trying to figure out the risk-benefit of starting the polyamory conversation...and, how to begin...?
Husband is the primary without question. Priority for family and reality of the needs of family dictate that. Ex was always best to spend time with once a week, even when he was the one and only. My ideal world would have both of these men current and active in my life, the ex being secondary. The long-life love would be very occasionally in my life. But, I would like to have more conversation/email/texting with all of them concurrently and not feel I was being a bad person for caring deeply for all of them...
It may not be possible in my life, with all the other parameters, but I'm considering it...
Thanks in advance for any input.