GalaGirl, and sparklepop, thank you for your replies. I needed to think about for a few days before replying.
@GalaGirl: Accountability to actions is one of the things that I am looking for. Thank you for giving me the words for articulation. There have been a lot of conversations where I explained her about the way our relationship is being downgraded. Her response showed understanding of the situation but lacked actions. And she continued to expand on her connection with W.
She describes the last ten months or so as a time period where she found room to breathe in his space but “void” in ours. This is partially due to W’s activity based personality and that is the core of her needs at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am activity based as well. However, we are different people as you can imagine.
I am not a strong believer of writing declarations of the type you posted (I talk about it but not write). However, I put some thoughts in it and am currently thinking of a document that I can come up with combined with your points and sparklepop’s. That would be about my needs and where I stand. Thinking about this also takes me from the emotional phase towards a more mechanical, problem solving state. I don’t think this would be new information for her however I hope she will be able to respond in action.
She is aware of my pain and expresses her sadness about it. However, she cannot come back to the relationship by simply talking about these problems because she sees me in pain. Instead, she suggests to spend quality time by activities in our given time and hopes to fight her own void (or disconnection) in our relationship through her outside activities. Her intentions are constructive but her pace is not sufficient for me. In the meantime, I am trying to focus on other fields of my life, and see that they affect my stability at home. It is working most of the time.
A note about W: I very briefly mentioned about the difficulties for me to him (J was present as well). He asked me how he can help. I said it is mostly about what J can do. So metamour connection is still there.
@sparklepop: J has explained her disconnection from our sexuality in different ways and a number of times. This explanation cannot calm me down unfortunately. Partially because it opens up old wounds from the past disconnections, and partially because we were on a journey of exploring kinks when the last disconnection happened (we were more vanilla in the beginning, and slowly got kinkier later)
When asked, she tells me that there are no problems in my sexual interaction with her and says she enjoys it. We came to this point gradually. About a year and a half ago, we lost sexual connection (no sex) for 2-3 months. Then re-connected. About a year ago, the frequency of having sex started to change. Before the last disconnection (3 months ago), we were having sex once a month.
Thank you for sharing your story and also seeing that it is not only about sex. Seeing the shine in her eyes when she comes home gives me a lot to imagine in the midst of NRE about their interactions. While we are on a downhill of intimacy, it is difficult to avoid comparisons and emotional triggers for sadness.
Those questions you presented are great brainstorming materials. I will definitely think about them. I already proposed the option of talking about how we can satisfy my intimacy needs. She responded positively about it. She also was looking for workshops around libido problems. (about us, and herself in general). She expresses some effect of the “void” in her sexual interaction with W but also says things being new with him and not being in a live-in arrangement helps her to be involved with him.
Intellectually, I can understand where she is coming from. In my heart, it is a total wreck around rejection and the fear of replacement. I will eventually share this thread with her but need more time to think / read / research and time for us to do some activities and relax.