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Old 02-02-2013, 07:53 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I am trying to recall your situation, as I believe you used to post here a lot. I looked at one of your old threads, and skimmed a few others of yours. DingedHeart had summarized your situation in one of your more recent threads, and you told him he had understood the situation pretty clearly:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Correct me if I got this fall for this women, she gets her husband to agree to open up the marriage. You then try to get your wife on board, with the help of the other couple she comes around...You and the women are HAPPY for a time. Then because of the circumstance and now relate-able the situation, the husband and your wife form a support group which leads to them becoming involved with each other. That made you (unhappy). Its a struggle for you with jealousy and the usual stuff. Then she told you she loves you but not " in love" with you or see's you in a lustful way...or not turned on by you (from memory)....this was a crushing blow to you. The two of you then have problems sexually and things further devolve.

And now you have become so tortured by all this you want to stop.....and want her to stop as well. Or at least stop having sex with the other man or couple. Ideally you'd want it to go back to the way it was a year or 2 before you got that great idea.

Did I get this essentially right.

It sounds to me you carry a lot of guilt and other emotions for pushing this situation into 2-3 peoples lives and now you're the one that can't handle it.

Maybe you need to get some therapy or counseling to figure out what you really need or want independent of the group. However now that you put these other balls in play you might be screwed as to actually achieving it.
In that thread, you had said you were going to go to a therapist. You said that it was an issue around your wife being sexual with someone else that bothered you the most. How did therapy work out? Have you come to terms, at least somewhat, with your jealousy and possessiveness? Are you questioning things now because you feel more ready for both you and your wife to have additional partners?

Also, was there a reason why you and your wife decide it had to be a quad? Why couldn't you each have pursued other partners separately?

And FWIW, I don't think it's weird or odd that your best friend with whom you had an emotional affair turned out to be someone you were not attracted to sexually. You were just more attracted to her mind and her personality and had fun with her in that way, but do not feel the urge to boink her. That's okay. Nothing wrong with you for that. However, it seemed that your jealousy and obsessiveness/possessiveness over your wife having sex with someone other than you - and liking it? - was very connected to your sudden lack of attraction to your lover. Did you look at that in therapy, specifically, and address it?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 02-02-2013 at 07:58 PM.
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