View Single Post
Old 02-01-2013, 11:38 PM
Helo's Avatar
Helo Helo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: California
Posts: 279

Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
Realizing I'm poly is still new to me, and I'm a little unsure how to deal with it appropriately as of yet.

I really don't understand how I could have fallen in love with another man while being VERY happily married to another. The two relationships are very different, and I would love to keep both. So far, it's working out okay, but I seem to be my own worst enemy inside my head.
Sounds like pretty standard stuff to start with.

I had similar problems with hardcore cognitive dissonance once I came to the realization that I was poly. Its counter to all your prior programming and that programming doesnt go without a fight. Which led to stuff like...

My Primary says he's okay with this, so why am I feeling guilty whenever I spent time alone with my BF?
Because you still have unconscious reactions and ideas leftover from your time in the mono world. I've identified as poly for three years now and been in a poly relationship for over a year and STILL have problems with this. Poly breaks some hardcore social norms which are beaten into our heads from a very young age and we tend to not want to resist those norms.

I'm wondering how other people adjusted to the sudden realization (if it was) of being poly? How did you come to terms with falling in love with a second person while still being in love with the first? Was it difficult or easy for you? Did you seek poly counseling, or do it on your own?
It was kind of an apple moment, I was just sitting there one day thinking about an ex and wondering why this woman kept popping up in my head. After a while I concluded that I still had very strong feelings for her and even still loved her. At the time I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman and was very happy with no complaints.

It hit me that I loved two people at once which set off all sorts of alarm bells and prompted me to do some further reading where I hit upon the world of polyamory. Very much a homecoming sort of feeling, like I'd been wearing clothes that didnt fit and suddenly just changed into a pair of sweatpants. After that it just seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

I did not handle the introduction of the idea into that relationship very well, in retrospect. Though we did give it a shot. I was talking to a friend when I found out and she was probably the second or third person I told, she responded when I told her that I thought I was poly with, "Fucking duh! I could have told you that!" >.<
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
Reply With Quote