What happened? or what's wrong with me?
So after a 1.5 year experience with Polyamory I am left questioning why things didn't work out. Primarily it was me out of the four who had problems with it and eventually ended it. However I continue to believe in this and question things. Primarily I ended the relationship(s) because I just wasn't enjoying myself.
I really never became comfortable with my wife and someones else sexually. Mostly because of feeling inadequate. Why? Well we are somewhat incompatible. I have erection issues and she only orgasms on top. Mostly she uses the vibrator now but she has always lacked sensitivity. Meaning she felt nothing from me orally nor her other lover. Truth is she told me she had the same problems orgasming from her other lover too so it shouldn't have bother me but it did.
While my lover was attractive she wasn't my "type". I had only ever been my wife before so maybe this had something to do with it. Now I know when you love someone this shouldn't matter but physical and hormonal feelings do matter. I just wasn't "feeling it". Only occasionally did I feel the urge to be physical with her. Whereas with my wife (who is my type) I feel the urge 24 hours per day.
So it's been a year since anyones been physical. We are all really good friends. Kind of like family and it good. However I always consider going back. Why? When we started we did it the wrong way. Lot's of mistakes where made and lessons learned. I do have feeling for the other person and does my wife.
Now here is the real kicker. I do every once in a while feel like having sex with my lover. Fact is on a compatability scale for me like 90% of it comes from our chemistry emotionally with sexual acts. Meaning we could have incredible phone sex, rough sex, slow, anywhere sex. I literally can tease and play with her all day without having sex until she is at the point she would do anything. She loves it and I enjoy seeing her enjoy it. Alas, then we get physical and it's not so much exciting for me. WTF is wrong with me?
I do feel like I have overcome lots of my insecurity. Sure learned a lot in a short period. Since I am someone whose mind NEVER stops thinking..well hence the above book
I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I respect many of you on these forums and still believe in being poly.