GalaGirl: Thanks, that does help and makes a lot of sense. There is some uniqueness to our situation, but I think you mostly hit the nail on the head.
Where we are now is that I think she does act out at me and pick fights. Once the fight progresses to the point where I get angry, she turns the blame on me for becoming angry. (We both have crappy communication skills, but we've started reading The Power of Two to work on that at least.)
The shortish version is that she's not in a good place in her life (doesn't want to stay in this city, hates her job, has been depressed since before we met...) so even though we realized things weren't going to work out a long time ago we agreed to stay together a little longer while she got her life in order.
Part of the problem for me is that if I do break up with her I feel like I'm abandoning her and leaving her in a bad place. Of course, I'm also worried that by allowing the relationship to continue I'm doing her a disservice by holding her back. Especially if she IS waiting for me to change my mind. I've decided that next time we get a chance to talk I'm going to tell her that if we're going to stay together I need to see signs of progress. Which I have recently anyway (she has an interview for a much better job today.) I just need to know that I'm still in her life as support, not as a roadblock.
The other thing is we have kind of tried being friends, and it kills me a little bit. She owns the house, and it's a duplex so she stays upstairs but we spend our time together. Every time she leaves it hurts, because we don't really separate so we don't get to a place of healing. I just end up feeling like she's breaking up with me every night all over again. So to go into a friendship, we'd need to take a break first... which is hard to do anyway since we live in the same house, and even harder because it leaves her feeling abandoned.
Anyway, I did point out to her yesterday that I felt rejected because she called polyamory a dealbreaker even before I fully realized I was poly... and told her what you said about us just wanting different things from a relationship. That at least seemed to at least make her think...
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo
Only other point of interest is you, in your 30s don't feel ready for marriage and babies. You may never feel ready. Does she want these things and does she want them soonish? You might still want her in your life romantically but the mismatch ideals with relationship style AND life goals might make it a cruel act to dangle her along expecting her to change for you.
I'm a very "late bloomer" in pretty much all of life. I mentioned I didn't lose my virginity until 32. I didn't even really start trying to date until I was 30. My career also got off to a late start because I graduated college a year late and then couldn't find a "real job" for 3 years. So right now I don't feel like I make enough money Where I am now, I tend to work 60+ hours a week, and I don't have much savings. It just doesn't feel like the right time for kids... but I always have wanted kids.
She very much does want kids, and right away. She just turned 40, and is terrified she's already getting too old to have kids. Part of the problem is that when we started dating I really thought I was ready for that stuff... then as it started happening I started to realize I might not be.