Thread: Tell the truth?
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Old 02-01-2013, 11:06 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
'Also when someone says they are simple, AND refer to you as complex or hard or difficult, what they are actually saying is my way of seeing things is superior and you need to change to accommodate my better way.'
Not sure I agree.

Our ways of thinking and seeing the world seem incredibly simple to us, we're sort of biologically programmed to smooth over conflicting ideas and make our worldview as simple and obvious to us as possible.

That doesn't necessarily extend to the viewpoint of others.

Someone referring to themselves as simple while calling someone else complex may simply be articulating is that they dont entirely understand your viewpont. That doesn't immediately mean they feel their's is superior and you need to change.

As to the OP, I generally strive for open, direct, and unsubtle honesty in virtually all situations with a relationship and its a formula that has worked in the past. From what I've seen, trying to construct an elaborate delivery mechanism for information usually means no small number of the bolts holding it together are misconceptions or massive problems that haven't been addressed or uncovered.

You dont have to throw tact out the window but most people I've dealt with confuse tact with redacting what they say.

If someone absolutely cant deal with that kind of interaction all the time, it helps to have conversations where its established beforehand as a "no bullshit" zone. Issues need to be dealt with directly and tip-toeing through the tulips will generally cause more problems than it solves. If someone really and truly cannot handle that kind of directness, that's a problem unto itself.

I had an ex who was very fond of sugarcoating and it led to incredibly enormous problems because invariably messages got crossed and distorted. This led to someone doing something wrong because they got the wrong message, hurt feelings, anger, recriminations, and fighting. It wasn't because she was being deliberately obtuse or had a hard time making herself understood but she was so prone to self-censorship about needs and wants that a lot of the time they just got missed and that kept happening until she'd get to a point where she was so stressed she couldn't deal with it anymore and just explode then we'd have a knock-down drag-out fight about who was using more shampoo or something equally stupid.

I played my part in that mess because I indulged the sugarcoating. I didn't make my distaste for it known and I played along with it because doing so was easier. Nowadays, I tell my partners to do ANYTHING to directly tell me when they want or need something; write it down, tell me directly, throw a punch, ANYTHING! Just to say it straight out and direct.
I am as direct as a T-Rex with 'roid rage and about as subtle. It isn't intended to cause upset, I just prefer to talk plain. There are plenty of other people here who do the nice, polite thing much better than I can. I'm what you'd call a "problem dinner guest."
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