Ok, while I appreciate the length my question generated, I think it's getting off-topic because of my mistake.
When Marcus said:
Originally Posted by Marcus
You realize that I can either stop posting on this thread about this or I can continue going back and forth with you guys with no results?
I agreed that he could absent himself from the conversation. This was not meant as an attempt to censor a differing opinion. Post what you will. In the future, I'll just disregard posts that are "obviously bunk".
Sorry I’ve been so quiet. It’s mostly your fault.
You asked some very good questions about where do we go from here and it’s been a lot of thinking sorting stuff out. Still trying to get out of damage control mode and start figuring out what I want out of things. It’s much easier to say “This is screwed up” rather than saying “This is what I’d like it to be” and working to make that happen. We are working on rebuilding the trust from before. I think part of the problem was trying to establish boundaries and negotiate things at the beginning suffered from “NREtardation”
so I got to the point where I just stopped trying and thought “I don’t care what she does, it’s her life.” We realized that’s a slow marital death and are working our way back from there. We’re trying to find a poly-friendly counselor in the area.
A train of thought similar to your post was one of the things that helped me try to accept polyamory. Health changes happen in marriages all the time, and I’d much rather Wife be polyamorous than have cancer or something. (Not calling polyamory cancer but it did help me put a non-monogamous marriage into perspective) I’m sorry you’re feeling suppressed. Like many people on here, I think monogamy and polyamory are both valid relationship types. But monogamy is the “default”, and most people don’t even know there’s another option until much later. As a mono husband, I admit it can feel scary but I was more afraid that denying Wife would result in a build-up of resentment until we divorced anyway.