I need advice on talking to M.
Nope. Do not put M in the middle. The one making inappropriate comments about YOUR wallet? That is J.
So the next time J makes a comment, could respond to J.
J has made a couple of remarks about me ordering a pizza
and some tights.
Could be the "weather reporter" and just state what you see/hear/ IS:
- "Yes, I have bought a pizza for my dinner. Thanks."
- Yes. I have bought some tights for my legs. Thanks."
Play the broken record. Eventually J will get tired of your non-engaging. It takes two to tango. Choose not to dance.
Could also point out the dog and play THAT record. When you have a baby you are always saying things like "See the dog? Can you say dog?" Could do the same and point to the boundary and her crossing the line.
"J, how I spend my money is my responsibility. Could you please be willing to respect that how I spend my money is up to me and not comment on it unless I ask for input?"
And just lather, rinse, repeat that.
Here's another broken record to play:
"Thank you. But in this matter, please do not worry or stress yourself out for my sake. "
After a two-year anniversary celebration with M (cost $50), J sat us down and told us that we were being irresponsible and could not be spending money on dinner or "kitchen things" (a plastic pitcher and strainer, $10).
Could try to look for the feelings behind the words.... but that's tricky. KNOWING that M owes J a few K. I am going to guess this... Maybe J did not even have it to LEND, really? So is really strapped now.
Since you are ok and can take M out for anniversary? Maybe this roundabout fusspot at you both about being "irresponsible" is J projecting on to you what J feels?
That J "irresponsible" loaning out more than J could afford to loan?
That M is "irresponsibly" goofing off having good times with the other honey rather than working hard to pay J back?
And perhaps J is now feeling left out/jealous that you can afford to take shared sweetie out and J cannot?
You could simply ask J. something like...
"J, I see that this bothers you. That I took M out to celebrate. I do not understand WHY it bothers you. Could you please explain why? "
But if you really don't want to go there... don't. *shrug*
If J was not there on the date how does J know if you spent $50 or $500? If M is telling J about YOUR finances, that is the only thing you need to tell M.
"Please do not share information about my personal purchases with other people." You could also NOT SHOP with M if she's a "leaky hinge" and this stuff just inspires J on toward more inappropriate comments/upset.
If you can afford to move out -- move out. You can still date M. Still be polite to J. But then do not have to be around for household drama foo foo. Don't even have to tell the real reason why -- that J annoys you as a roomie.
Just say thank you for helping you "bridge the gap" time from you leaving the parental home and that you are ready to move to the next step toward your dream of having a flat of your own.
There's places you could take this so that you are looking out for your own best healths without having to get sucked into other people's weirdness.