Originally Posted by sparklepop
Do you just accept communication differences? Does it generally feel better for you to have all feelings out in the open, or is filtering necessary? Is saying sorry important? How do you balance who needs care and who needs to provide it?
I have come to realize that FBF is not the person I go to for communication.
That said, I have come to the acceptance that he communicates what he feels he needs to. And that's not much, to me.
He recently expressed to me his lack of understanding as to why people make so much noise, without communicating. I'm so glad I was actually able to *hear* that.
[What really fascinated me, was that just a few days later, an ex-bf said the same thing to me. His (ex) gf had called, she was traveling, and told him every detail of her every moment. Then he says to ME (!) 'why do you women DO that? You all do it' And I put that in the context of what FBF had said. And quietly marveled at myself, that despite ex's complaint, I really don't do that. I talk more than my boys would *like*, but I don't talk nearly as much as most women I know.]
So, even after understanding all that, FBF knows that I am an emotional creature. There have been times when I was down on myself for whatever, or expressed that CBF was down on me for some emoting, and FBF would say 'of *course* you're feeling x, you're a girl.' Although I know it sounds awful, I did take comfort in it. 'You're normal.' 'You're okay.' even 'there, there' is very comforting. I don't care so much about the words, if someone's intention is to comfort.
My principle has always been the one that's hurting the most gets care first. I can't recall very many times when I've even needed to ask; I guess I've been lucky that way.
I guess I was raised up not to share my feelings much, so one of my life challenges has just been to figure out what I actually feel. For me, a way of finding out how I feel is to talk about it. That has not worked out so well to do that with a partner. So I tend to talk to non-romantic friends more with those types of conversations. [One way they teach to find out what you feel, is to pay attention to the body. I have an additional challenge in that my body lies. It doesn't give me accurate information, so I have to do a lot of analysis.]
I actually think part of the attraction is the difference. (oh this sounds dreadful, this part) I think FBF is more serious, more deliberate, and it helps me to be so. I think I'm more open and spontaneous, and that helps him to be so.
Sorry is pretty important, but it is so rarely necessary, I work harder at choosing people who don't step on me in such a way as I will need their 'sorry.' I was quite taken aback in a conversation recently. I was going to a movie, and I'd asked FBF if he'd seen it. He said no, and did I want to do that when I saw him next. So I didn't go. Then when I got to him, he didn't want to go. I said, 'I *knew* it! I knew I should have gone last weekend.' (when I was ready and had the time). He said, 'I'm sorry' quickly and with a sympathetic and distressed voice. It really was okay, I suspected he wouldn't want to, and I was just expressing. I didn't *need* the sorry, but found it quite touching.