Thread: Tell the truth?
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Old 01-31-2013, 07:13 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
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Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
I believe in open, honest, regular communication. No blame crap - just "this is how I feel, I'm working on it, I wanted to be honest, you don't have to change anything" OR "I'd find it really helpful if you altered (x) behaviour/situation" If I feel like crying, I'll cry. If something's on my mind, I'll bring it up. If I need something, I'll put it out there. // My GF, in contrast, believes in filtering information/communication. She does not believe that we always have to be entirely honest about how we feel - we should internalise our emotions and work through them solo; only asking for help when it is absolutely necessary, if at all. She will often say she is happy about something, i.e. a date of mine, when in reality, she is struggling. I'll find out the truth much later.

This leads to the following problems:

The obvious problem is that I never know how she really feels; therefore, I can never congratulate her on overcoming something, or reassure her if she's struggling. It has also led to her belief that I struggle much more with poly than she does. I find this destructive, because it leads me to feel like a failure, or a burden.

blame and apologies
I believe in both parties saying sorry after most arguments; sorry for any miscommunication and upset. GF has a hard time saying sorry. The communication part comes in because it seems that because she internalises a lot, issues get raked up that I had no idea about and then I end up feeling as if I am to blame, even if it was me that raised an issue initially.

For example, I identify as a Domme, but experimented with some bottom play with her over the summer. This was highly personal for me and caused a lot of confusion in my mind. She shared this information with a woman I'm interested in and I expressed my upset. Instead of simply apologising, she launched into a big talk about how pride is hampering my sexual growth. This then spiralled off into remark about how she's spent two years dealing with my "mountains of issues" with her partners. (Such comments are damaging, because I go to great lengths to promote her freedom and happiness in poly). When I bring up an issue with her, she dredges up issues that I didn't even know she was having. Sometimes she goes the complete opposite way and sarcastically says that she is obviously 'the bad guy', or, occasionally, really takes it to heart and beats herself up. This leaves me feeling that I should not express my issues at all...

I wrote this in response to another thread. I do see a bit of this dynamic in how you describe your relationship with your GF. There is a therapy truism that the person who desires the least sex controls the sexual activity in a given relationship. I think there is also a similar dynamic of the person who emotes the least, or covers up more emotion, also controls the emotional balance of a relationship. This is just my personal observation - no research to back it up.

'Also when someone says they are simple, AND refer to you as complex or hard or difficult, what they are actually saying is my way of seeing things is superior and you need to change to accommodate my better way.'
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