and opalescent, i really really value that perspective. you are right in that i do trigger her all the time, in ways that really surprise me. even if i say i'm not sure where i want to eat, just that i'm hungry, that used to provoke a reaction in her and she would shut up expecting an angry tirade.
and you are probably right about the health of the relationship - but i will be honest it's hard for me to let that go right now (i think - somehow i feel a sense of relief at the thought also though). i will think about what you are saying, it clearly deserves my attention and thought.