not sure how to handle this
i kissed my best friend who was in a relationship 3 months ago, they break up (long drawn out process - he was abusive). it's finally over (like really really over now), but i left the country 3 weeks ago thinking fuck that drama, as it was a lot of going back and forth. very emotionally exhausting.
the past 3 months since their break up, despite the emotional drain (or maybe because of it?) we got really close. like really really in love kind of close. the day i got on the plane she told me she loved me, it was very intense, intimate, and a beautiful experience. was a really big wtf moment as i thought the chances of an "us" were dead at that point.
now that i'm abroad we are talking again about a possible future together. we are acting like we are in a long distance relationship but we are not - she is not comfortable with committing to anything having just finally let go of her ex, she needs some space which i understand. but still we are talking about traveling and even living in the same flat in another country, etc. it's complicated having these types of conversations, dreaming together, etc. but also knowing she isn't ready to "commit". there is a tension there that is somewhat difficult for me to master.
we have talked about polyamory and she is bringing it up again, but in indirect ways (it frustrates me that while we are typically good communicators we haven't been able to have a real conversation about this right now). i know sometimes she will say things to "test" me or to push me back to create some distance (i can be insecure and clingy at times). but she also seems genuinely interested in exploring her sexuality with other people (she has an online dating profile - but insists it's just for fun. which i believed, but now i am not so sure) both right now and maybe also while we are traveling? she can also be extremely jealous and i'm not sure how she would react if i had sex with someone tonight and i told her. she might be done. or maybe not.
the thing is i don't know how i feel about polyamory. i know rationally it's something i admire and aspire to - but in practice it's hard. she hooked up with another woman a few nights ago and it was difficult to hear that.
i know when i pull back (usually out of bitterness rather than openness) she gets closer, when i get closer she pulls back.
i really want to be able to be in a polyamorous relationship - i believe in non-hierarchical relationships in all spaces, absent of coercion. but i am in kind of a mindfuck right now trying to figure out how to act, what to do, what to say. i know i probably need some space (we skype hours and hours a day), and i probably need to be able to talk to her about this (but i think she is starting to resent conversations on these subjects)
thanks for listening.