a complicated situation
i kissed my best friend, who was in a relationship. after he found out, they broke up (after a long 3 months of dragging that out.) he was abusive, they are finally done.
over the course of that 3 months we basically fell in love (not sure how real that feels anymore though).
i left the country 3 weeks ago thinking that she was going to get back with him and cut off ties with me. instead when i left she told me she loved me, and we have restarted discussions of traveling and a possible life together (she may move out here). their relationship has still had an on and off quality these past 3 weeks (which has been stressful for me expecting it to have finished completely.) but it seems now it's finally done.
the difficult thing is that we are acting as if we are in a long distance (monogamous) relationship - but we are not. she doesn't want to commit having finally left a very dramatic and painful situation (she quite understandably needs some space right now). but at the same time she is an extremely jealous person, and acts possessive of me and my interactions with women, thus far completely platonic, as if we were in a monogamous relationship.
at the same time she seems to resent when i act the same. she wants freedom, and keeps bringing up polyamory as a solution - but more in indirect comments (though it is something we've discussed before), and we haven't been able to have an open conversation about it.
she will one day tell me she "can't do polyamory" and the next act as if it's the natural solution for us right now (really meaning the natural solution for her and her needs, rather than a well thought out and discussed solution for us both).
i have always been interested in the idea of polyamory but i dont' know if i can actually emotionally handle it - i don't know if i am secure enough. for me the idea of having sex with someone else is equitable to nailing a coffin in the relationship. i also can't do it out of fear, knowing how she will probably react (anger - sleep with someone else to get back at me).
i want to bring this conversation up but our skype conversations have been stressful and i don't know how to do it in a comfortable way.
what i want is to be secure in the idea, but i don't know how to be in that place? i rationally do want to experience polyamory, but not because i want to fuck around, but because i believe in horizontal/non-hierarchical relationships in general.
also, she has an online dating profile she showed me, which while she says is "just for fun" and she doesn't want to sleep with anyone, seems to have been made with the intent or at least openness of meeting people right now. i am confused by both my feelings of insecurity but also frustration with the inability to have an open conversation on this subject - sometimes she tells me she makes comments about other guys to push me away (i can be clingy) but also to "test" me. how do i deal with this?
i know that was a lot, thanks for listening